Friendship

Friendship is a dubious subject to write about.  My last Blog had only 1 reader.  I have 283 friends on facebook...I observe daily how the number fluctuates and I find myself asking the question:  Who left me?  Who cut me?  Why did they do it?  I know it should not matter, but it does matter.  Friendships are essential in this world and there are many kinds.  I have NOT been the easiest, nicest or most loyal friend.  In the past I have walked away from countless relationships.  MOst of the times, I have done it when the stakes got high and I was not all in...I got scared and I left.  I guess you could say I have a long track record of being a quitter.  I wonder if my friends know that about me?  Anyway...this blog is not about being negative or about focusing on my negative qualities.  As I have been discussing over the past month, I have improved myself this year...and I wish to focus on the improved qualities.  This includes the improved quality of my friendship.  I only mention the past as a point of refrence and to establish relativity (EINSTEIN).

I am proud of my friendship abilities now.  I once felt ashamed of my inability toward genuine friendship.  I used to "make friends" by attempting to charm them into loving me.  This approach only makes its user a person who becomes insecure at every change in the wind around them.  People have peculiarites and we are affected by external events around us.  In my life, I spent far too much time worrying about why someone "blew me off" or "cut me down in conversation" or "made a certain remark about something I said, did or wore".  Now I sit back and observe myself more and them less, while remaining fully present when I am with them and attempting to meet all of their needs that are within my potential ability.  Friendship is Service to another...being OF service to another by means of availability, compassion, interest, and most importantly, shared experiences.

www.dictionary.reference.com

 /frɛnd/ Show Spelled[frend] Show IPA

noun

1.

a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

2.

a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.

3.

a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?

4.

a member of the same nation, party, etc.

I find it helpful to reflect upon the proper definition of a word so that I can truly gather my thoughts and feelings.  But for some reason, the idea of friendship is certainly on my mind these days.  Each day is a learning experience for me.  With my newly found intuition finely tuned, it would be easier then ever to take offense at any number of things that have been happening of late.  Also thanks to my intuition being stronger, it is easier to set my mind back to the RIGHT way of seeing the situation.  What I have learned is that the majority of people around me are struggling with something or other and their struggle "shows" on them.  Some attempt to mask it with a smile, while others allow themselves to appear slightly frazzled and still others are willing to bare their souls by showing the full extent of life's beatings upon them.  To those in this lowly place, I offer my full suport.  I have been there.  To the others, I offer the same...no judgement, because I too have smiled and assured people that all is fine when it was not.  I have also allowed for a small amount of weakness to show without full disclosure.  I have been ridiculed for this.  I know it is not right.

So friendship...what is the real deal?  What is the Right way to be someone's friend?  Ok...I am going to google it....because I am not sure.

www.wikiHow.com

1 Be real. Connect with people whose friendship you value and see as sustainable long-term. Good friendships don't arise from hoping someone else's popularity or networks will rub off on you. Rather, a good friendship comes about by being with people who connect with you at level and get the person you really are. If you're trying to be friends with a person just to be accepted into a certain clique, or because you'd like to get to know someone else that he or she knows, that's not friendship – it's opportunism – and eventually you'll regret the shallow nature of your involvement. Every new person you meet has the right to be accepted (or not) on his or her own merits, so it's better to just be yourself than to let anyone else influence you into being someone you are not. In turn, you have a responsibility to fill their life with good memories and happy moments. Bear in mind it's better to be detested for who you are, than to be liked for who you aren't and good friendships withstand differences of opinion or outlooks anyway.

2Be honest. A dishonest person has no chance of having true friends because it's hard to rely or trust a person who doesn't behave in a supportive or trustworthy way. Keep your promises, do what you say you are going to do, and most importantly – don't lie! Lying happens in those times when you say "Okay, I will...", but you never do or you only fulfill part of what you promised. Eventually people will figure you out and realize that you don't do what you say you will. If you've found yourself lying about doing things, then not trying to keep your word, start owning up to it and stop doing it. If you can't do something, explain so and trust that the friendship is strong enough for the no's as well as the yeses. And start being dependable when you say that you will do something.

• If you know you were at fault for a missed opportunity, own up. Simply talk about it and hope that your friend will forgive you. They'd most likely appreciate it in the future, to look back and say, 'Wow!' I've had an amazing friend by my side.' But, if you're changing, flip-flopping and undependable – that feels like you were not a good friend.
• Good friendship is based on trust – if you break a friend's trust, the friendship may be very hard to salvage. Of course, if you have made a promise and planned to keep it, but circumstances beyond your control conspire to prevent it, let your friend know as soon as you find out. Don't wait until 15 minutes after you were supposed to arrive to call and say, "gee, I'm sorry." Instead, a quick call to say, "Hey, I know I promised to help you with whatever it is, but my husband is telling me we're going to our country house for the weekend, and leaving tomorrow just after work - that means I won't be able to make it. I'm so sorry. Can we reschedule?". That's just honoring the fact that your friend is counting on you, and respecting the fact that, given a little notice, your friend might just be able to get someone else to help with whatever it was. At least you won't be hanging your friend out to twist in the wind.

3Be loyal. If your friend tells you something in confidence, keep that confidence and don't talk about it to anyone else. It's what you'd expect in return and so be tight lipped about the matter. Don't discuss your friend behind their back and don't spread rumors about the confidences they've imparted to you. Rule out gossip or backstabbing when it comes to friendship! Never say anything about your friend that you would not be prepared to repeat to their face.

• Don't let others say bad things about your friend and until you've had a chance to hear your friend's side of the story, treat comments about your friend that are not supportive as hearsay and rumors. If someone says something that shocks you and doesn't seem like a thing your friend would do or say, then respond with something like: "I know him/her, and that just doesn't sound right. Let me talk to him/her, find out his/her perspective on this. If it turns out to be true, I'll let you know. Until then, I would appreciate it, if you didn't spread that around, because that might not be what was really meant or intended…".

4Be respectful. Good friends respect one another and show this by being openly and mutually supportive. If your friend has certain values and beliefs that don't align with your own, respect their choices and be open to listening about them. Don't mock or belittle what they believe in; instead, be understanding and try to keep learning. Over time, the differences will make both of you stronger and better people as well as stronger friends.

• Always listen to what your friend has to say. Sometimes your friend will say things that you find boring, uncomfortable or annoying but if you have respect for your friend, you'll override these feelings with the desire to listen openly and give your friend the space to say what is needed and to do so without judgment.
• There will be times when you don't see eye to eye with your friend. Rather than demanding that your friend changes their way of seeing things, disagree respectfully and be willing to see things differently.

5 Watch out for your friend. If you sense that your friend is getting into some sort of trouble over which they have little control, such as taking drugs, being promiscuous or getting too drunk at a party, help him or her to get away from the situation and to somewhere safer for them. Don't assume that they're big enough to care for themselves; this may be the very time that your voice of common sense is needed to wake them from their fugue.

• Don't allow your friend to drive drunk - take their keys and/or drive your friend home personally.
• If your friend begins talking about committing suicide, tell someone about it. This rule overrides the "respect privacy" step, because even if your friend begs you not to tell anyone, you should do it anyway. Suggest a help line or professional to your friend. Talk to your and your friend's parents or spouse first (unless those were the ones causing the problems) before involving anyone else.

6 Pitch in for friends during times of crisis. If your friend has to go to the hospital, you could help pack his or her bags; if her/his dog runs away, help to find it, if he/she needs someone to pick him/her up, be there. Take notes for your friend in school and give homework assignments when you know that one is absent and sick at home. Send cards and care packages. If there is a death in his/her family, you might want to attend the funeral – or cook and take a dish or a meal over to your friend. Care about your friend enough to help him or her open up and let the tears roll. Give a tissue and listen. Really listen openly. You don't have to say anything, just don't be too upset by hearing sadness or anger, or deep grief. Stay calm and reassuring.

• If your friend is going through a crisis, don't say: "Everything is going to be all right" if it's not going to be. This goes right along with keeping it real. It's hard not to say that sometimes, but false reassurance can often be worse than none, and it may undermine your friend's ability to get through the crisis as well as one might. Instead, tell your friend that "Whatever you decide or need, I am there for you." If the need is to talk: talk; if it's to sit quietly: sit there. If the need is to relax and get your minds off of things, offer to take in a movie or concert "together." Give a sincere hug. Stay honest, but upbeat and positive. Even a stranger would appreciate a sincere word or possibly a gesture of a "quick" hug, or a hand rubbed across the back for just "a moment," but don't overdo it.

7 Give thoughtful advice when asked, add perspective but don't insist that your friend does as you say. Don't judge your friend, but do advise your friend when they reach out for advice or when they need to hear a little tough love to keep them out of dangerous situations where they might harm themselves or others. Tell your friend how you perceive their situation using factual information, and suggest what you might do in the same circumstances. Don't be offended by your friend listening to your advice and then deciding to ignore it. Your friend must make their own decisions.

• Avoid giving unsought for advice. Allow venting where needed and be willing to offer advice if it's clear that it's sought. Always ask before assuming you can give advice.
• Avoid saying "You should...". That may feel like you are imposing "shoulds" upon your friend and they're much less likely to listen.

8 Give your friend space. Understand if your friend wants to be alone or to hang out with other people. Allow it to happen. There's no need to become clingy or needy. Friendship doesn't require that you always have to be paired together. Allowing one another the time to hang with other friends gives you much-needed breathing room, and allows you to come together fresh and appreciating each other even more.

9 Listen. you don't have to agree – just listen to what is said. Make sure to stop talking to listen, so that you're not just running your mouth. Some people don't really find it interesting listening to someone talk about your or their feelings 24/7. If you're monopolizing every conversation with your feelings, your friend isn't getting anything out of the relationship. For example, don't sigh and groan like the world is against you. Seek help elsewhere and try to stop being paranoid. Listening opens space between the two of you and reassures your friend that you're not judging them.

10 Share. Being selfless is an important part of being a good friend. Accommodate your friend's wishes whenever you can provided this is done in a balanced way in your friendship. Be there when you're needed and go the extra mile if it's going to make a big difference for your friend. Reciprocate in kind with caring deeds and help and your friendship will be strengthened.

• Don't be selfish. Grabbing, stealing, envying and/or begging are big no's in the rules of friendship. The friend will soon get tired of this and eventually move towards more self-less people who are willing to give the same as one gets, but a good friend will not demand it, yet one might mention being tired of it. Even if you are a total wreck , don't expect constant sympathy.
• Don't expect, demand or abuse generosity or "wear out your welcome." When your friend does something nice for you, then reciprocate quickly. Money isn't, or doesn't have to be, an issue.
• Don't compare labels, prices, size and value.
• Don't let your friend pay every time you go out, even if it's offered. Don't help yourself to things at your friend's house without asking, unless you are willing and that is desired -- and practiced at your house in turn.
• Go home when it seems like the time is right; don't be like furniture. Reach for the door knob and say "Bye." turn the knob, leave... No one wants to be friends with a moocher or to feel used.
• If you borrow something from a friend, take good care of it and then return it without being asked.
• If you end a friendship, consider returning any special gifts bought for you; it's good etiquette, so act in good faith.

11 Live by the golden rule. Always treat a friend as you would want to be treated. Don't do or say anything that you wouldn't want done to you. Be there through thick and thin as long as that is how you feel as a true friend. Don't begrudge everything as a favor that has to be repaid immediately.

• Don't use your friends as a measure of your worth – you have value.

12 Seek to deepen your friendship over time. The more you are with one another, the less you idealize each other and the more you accept one another for who you really are. This is what being a truly good friend is really about – caring deeply for each other, warts and all.

Well then...that was helpful for me to read.   I hope my one or two readers will also benefit.  For what it's worth, I can honestly say that it seems I never have a shortage of friends, but a best friend...seems elusive to me.

~namaste