I Love being in Love. And right now I am in Love with almost everything I see. I feel like that Karen Carpenter song- "not a cloud in my sky, got the sun in my eye and I won't be surprised if it's a dream...I'm on the Top of the World". I can still recall a time when feeling Love for people and things in my life was an extreme challenge for me. I remember first reading about the "Secret" and how it calls for total devotion to Loving everything in order to bring good things into your life and get you on the right frequency to experience miracles. Even for me, this concept was wrought with implication...how could I just suddenly start loving people and situations when I clearly was not feeling love at that time. I thought maybe I could fake it a bit...pretend I felt love. I tried it. It worked in short spurts, but when times got tough, it just wasn't enough to do the job.
How do I learn to love again after the world has shown me more reasons to be bitter and disappointed and hateful...everyhting BUT love? Not easily, that's how. The first month after reading the Secret I was still full of doubt about how to create that feeling of love inside of me toward things I did not feel good about. Thankfully, I asked the Universe to help me get there and I gave over my faith that the way would be shown to me. It is a process, I am discovering. I am much stronger at it now than I was then and I am nowhere near where I believe I should be. It has become my daily practice to be more loving, understanding and open. In addition, visualizing and putting faith and happy feelings into your vision is essential. A person must really see themselves doing the thing they desire and also they must feel it.
It was easy for me to apply my new beliefs to my current work in daycare. I see the day-to-day challenges as small...completely surmountable. I overlook any insult given to me by clients and I try to emphasize important information with the most positivity I can muster. When children act innappropriately, I again try to put the most positive spin on it while being very firm. I make the extra effort to offer loving gestures and signs of affection so that they will not feel that my firmness is a lack of love. Children after all often require a firm hand when being disciplined. My son and daughter both test me a lot, so I have to start with them. With every person in my life, I have to apply my philosophies fairly and hold them to the same standards as every other person. The hardest part is simply recognizing that each person will react differently to their circumstances and feelings. Their behavior and reactions reflect what is going on inside of them so it is always going to be different,
One of the more helpful chapters regarding the Secret and using the Secret was actually from the book, "The Power". There is an entire section dedicated to helping you learn how to fall in love with things...but even better is the segment about PET's- Personal Emotional Trainers. I feel like a have quite a few of these. People whose behavior or personalities are so challenging for me...I have to remind myself that their only purpose in my reality is to make me a stronger and more productive person. I am not meant to be offended or upset by these people. they are actually helping me, if I let them! I can think of a few right off the top of my head- I have a lot of difficult people in my life. That sounds mean, I know but it's not supposed to be mean...just honest. I do not see myself as a person who is difficult to like, love or get along with. I am usually a nice person who looks for other people's happiness and comfort before my own. Alot of people in my life though, are not this way.
Speaking of me being a nice person, it also came to my observation that my "niceness' as I keep calling it springs from a deeper insecurity about not wanting to be hated or not wanting to be un-admired. In other words, I am so longing for love and admiration that I will sacrifice myself to make others happy. In doing this I have lost significant parts of my former self. But this is not really about gaining and losing...it's actually deeper than that. This pattern presents itself everywhere in my life. Especially in my primary relationships. It has to do with respect: giving it and expecting to be given it. When my "spouse" chooses to disppear after work and not answer my calls for hours even when I am expecting him home, this is disrespect. I used to respond to this by nagging, complaining and holding a grudge. But I recently decided that this is no demonstration of love. However, I was finding it hard to respond with love...until I considered it a different way. Instead of being angry at HIM for not showing me the Love I deserved, I just ignored that negative behavior. This still made me feel like I was not getting the Love and Respect I deserve, so I took it a bit further. I decided that if I cannot change his behavior, I will simply mirror it back to him and see what happens. I will tell you that what happens when you do this...well it is a miracle. It will change your life. The next time you are feeling disrespected, just mirror back the behavior in the kindest, simplest most un-bitter way you can. For me, the way was that I did not back down in expecting him to come home and watch his children and relieve me for the things I need to do. If he was not going to change his actions to suit me, then I will not change mine to suit him. In the past, I would always do this. His behavior would get me down and so I would sulk and feel bad and wait around and commisurate. Then when the time came for me to have my time doing my activities, he would put on the guilt about me leaving him. Huh! can you believe that? I fell for it for years...I cancelled things and dropped out of things and kept myself close by for when he was available. No more of that.
Nowadays, if he doesn't give me the courtesy of telling me where he is going when he is out, I mirror the behavior and do the same. When I go out I am as vague as possible about when I will be back and where we are going and who will be there. I do not like to be a liar so I just leave out any details I feel he has no real need to know.After all, isn't that what he is doing to me? Do I feel guilty? Not at all. If he is not going to care about my needs, then why does he need to be filled in anyway? Sounds like a lack of love, but actually what I am doing is showing Love for MYSELF. The Secret says you must feel love...that means for whatever or whoever you can and generate those wonderful feelings of love. If you are in a state of Love for something or someone and you are not worried or stressed or burdened, then you are generating that frequency and that energy that magnetizes things and people to you. I have definitely become a magnet. I am not sure if I am always attracting the thing I want, but when I see I am not, I change what I think needs to be changed and I never lack results. I always get results.
To summarize, I have learned to Love myself. This was SO MUCH HARDER than I ever imagined it would be. I prioritize caring for myself. I reward myself for my hard work. I do not over-extend myself beyond what is reasonable for me and I allow myself to rest when I need it. when it comes to my children and family, I see that in order to care for them, I must put in as much time caring for myself or I will eventually begin to resent them and this will not be loving at all. With the spouse situation, I have come to feel that I do not want much from him. I don't need much from him either. I try to provide for myself in every possible way and when I find a way that I am not being completely independent, I take that on as my next task or project- to create a totally independent person,,,,ME.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Serendipity
Serendipity according to my Funk & Wagnall's dictionary is " The faculty of happening upon fortunate discoveries when not in search of them". So today, I consider that although I often am aware and watching for such wonderful hppenings, I am also unaware of the power that is working in my life and in the lives of each person I know. I am generally amused by it. There is this wonderful calm feeling that has come over me like a soft blanket on a cold day. I feel as though I need do little more than desire for amazing things to happen through me and they shall.
The children are at rest and I will need to meditate for clarity. New developments have made me wonder about their connections to one another. I will not be able to fully understand the messages I am receiving until I have consulted with my own Inner Voice for guidance. I no longer take what I see at face value. I recognize that I am but a portion of a larger puzzle that makes up my reality and also the reality of those whose lives I touch. Life is grand indeed. I have many lovely friends and aquaintances and I am grateful for them. I have held many jobs and postions of stature throughout my life and these have made me a better person. I am grateful for them. I feel gratitude toward all the people in my family and close circle because they have caused me to be the strong person I am and they give me joy everyday. There is so much Love around me.
I long to increase the amount of Love felt by the people in my life. They should have success and money and everything they wish for. I am making my wishes to the Universe. I am choosing what I desire from the catalog of life...my order is in! I am waiting for the delivery. I am making room- out with the old and in with the new!~ and happiness for what you end up with! My wishes:
1. A green volkswagon jetta (1995-1998) standard
2. A new Business Line. Official...and Business! Clients! An office- and not in my house!
3. LOVE. Ah...L'Amour
4. Money in the bank...plenty of it.
Short list. I have few real desires. They are coming though. I see myself running a busy and profitable business, with partners...that business will have great outreach and be associated with numerous small businesses locally. We will have organization and our own special unqiue approach. I see myself with a spread in Wedding Style. I see myself with support from people in power. I see my friends and family profitting and benefitting from my successes. I see my sisters especially, working with me. I see money that people need being given to them and being given to all the people who need it. I see a fund of money set aside to assist those in need...a fund that is never ever empty. I see other businesses coming out of this. A Music Studio in Warwick...and a Salon. I see a New Organization for the smallest of businesses- the Independent Sales Person. I see it having a life of its own. So many people are under this umbrella...they work for themselves and they support their communities. It is the greatest form of Symbiosis. It will be amazing...more than a fantasy. It will come to life because I have been believing in it for so long and building it in my mind.
The children are at rest and I will need to meditate for clarity. New developments have made me wonder about their connections to one another. I will not be able to fully understand the messages I am receiving until I have consulted with my own Inner Voice for guidance. I no longer take what I see at face value. I recognize that I am but a portion of a larger puzzle that makes up my reality and also the reality of those whose lives I touch. Life is grand indeed. I have many lovely friends and aquaintances and I am grateful for them. I have held many jobs and postions of stature throughout my life and these have made me a better person. I am grateful for them. I feel gratitude toward all the people in my family and close circle because they have caused me to be the strong person I am and they give me joy everyday. There is so much Love around me.
I long to increase the amount of Love felt by the people in my life. They should have success and money and everything they wish for. I am making my wishes to the Universe. I am choosing what I desire from the catalog of life...my order is in! I am waiting for the delivery. I am making room- out with the old and in with the new!~ and happiness for what you end up with! My wishes:
1. A green volkswagon jetta (1995-1998) standard
2. A new Business Line. Official...and Business! Clients! An office- and not in my house!
3. LOVE. Ah...L'Amour
4. Money in the bank...plenty of it.
Monday, January 24, 2011
This Land is Your Land
I have not heard this Woodie Guthrie tune in many years but today the children are dancing to a KIDZONLY version of it. this was the song I had to play on acoustic guitar and sing for my Guitar Final at URI. I played it well, I think. It was fun at the time but also very hard on the fingers. I miss being in the Music department at URI. Those were 5 wonderful years of personal development for me. I was there from 1992 to 1997 and never received my degree. I spread myself too thin and did not follow the advice I ought to have from my advisors in the Career Development Department. Oh well- it's not the end of the world. when I was 23 I thought I knew everything. That's pretty funny to me now. Now I think I really DO know everything. Maybe in ten years from now I will be looking at today's choices with disrepute too.
I seem to be in the spirit of retrospection, so I will indulge further. My first year at URI was the roughest of all the five. I still remember the day my father drove me to URI and dropped me off at my Dorm, Aldrich Dorm. He helped me to my room and immediately left with a shrug and a pat on the shoulder. "Good Luck Kiddo" he said. The words resonated for 5 years after. The simple gesture of just being dumped off and told good luck. No money or other support was given. No promise of seeing one another soon. My mother could not be bothered to come. My brother and sisters though, they were affected. Even I was affected to be separated from them. But I knew that if I wanted anything better than an unwanted pregnancy to define my life, I would have to do this. I would have to leave them. I needed this.
College was harder than I anticipated it would be. Every year I was bombarded with choices and I always spread myself too thin. I wanted to try everything I could and experience things I had never had a chance to. Before long, I was a bit of a local celebrity when I became the DixieLand Band Lead singer/ I can still remember these 2 freshman boys who lived in my dorm would follow me up the stairwell saying "we love you AngelMarie"...I used to sign autographs on campus! Ah, the olden days. I also loved the Music Lab.
I worked there for a while on a WorkStudy job. They had recordings of the most random types of music and during long afternoons monitoring the lab, I reviewed cassette after cassette. I became knowledgeable of world Music and when it came time for MusicHistory in my 3rd year, I felt quite passionate about it. We used to listen to pieces by Smetana and Hayden that were 15 to 20 minutes long. An entire class...just sitting in a darkened classroom listening. we had the Norton Scores to follow along reading the orchestral arrangements while we listened. Afterwards, Professor would come to life, invigorated to see if we felt the same rush of emotions he did during key points in the music. I loved his class. I may not have felt the emotion the first time, but before long, it was second nature to feel the music and experience it as though it were alive.
At some point, music stopped being alive for me. Now I am coming back alive through it. I am thankful for the transformation out of my long depressive state. It has been a very long time. I do not feel depressed anymore. Sometimes, I give in to moments of sadness but overall, I feel healthier than I ever have in my whole life. So many periods from my youth are darkened by depression and now I have found the strength to shed light on each one. It is often painful for me to re-live some things in order to truly put them behind me forever, but this is a necessary evil. When you do it, you must do it quickly and not drag out the task for longer than necessary.
I seem to be in the spirit of retrospection, so I will indulge further. My first year at URI was the roughest of all the five. I still remember the day my father drove me to URI and dropped me off at my Dorm, Aldrich Dorm. He helped me to my room and immediately left with a shrug and a pat on the shoulder. "Good Luck Kiddo" he said. The words resonated for 5 years after. The simple gesture of just being dumped off and told good luck. No money or other support was given. No promise of seeing one another soon. My mother could not be bothered to come. My brother and sisters though, they were affected. Even I was affected to be separated from them. But I knew that if I wanted anything better than an unwanted pregnancy to define my life, I would have to do this. I would have to leave them. I needed this.
College was harder than I anticipated it would be. Every year I was bombarded with choices and I always spread myself too thin. I wanted to try everything I could and experience things I had never had a chance to. Before long, I was a bit of a local celebrity when I became the DixieLand Band Lead singer/ I can still remember these 2 freshman boys who lived in my dorm would follow me up the stairwell saying "we love you AngelMarie"...I used to sign autographs on campus! Ah, the olden days. I also loved the Music Lab.
I worked there for a while on a WorkStudy job. They had recordings of the most random types of music and during long afternoons monitoring the lab, I reviewed cassette after cassette. I became knowledgeable of world Music and when it came time for MusicHistory in my 3rd year, I felt quite passionate about it. We used to listen to pieces by Smetana and Hayden that were 15 to 20 minutes long. An entire class...just sitting in a darkened classroom listening. we had the Norton Scores to follow along reading the orchestral arrangements while we listened. Afterwards, Professor would come to life, invigorated to see if we felt the same rush of emotions he did during key points in the music. I loved his class. I may not have felt the emotion the first time, but before long, it was second nature to feel the music and experience it as though it were alive.
At some point, music stopped being alive for me. Now I am coming back alive through it. I am thankful for the transformation out of my long depressive state. It has been a very long time. I do not feel depressed anymore. Sometimes, I give in to moments of sadness but overall, I feel healthier than I ever have in my whole life. So many periods from my youth are darkened by depression and now I have found the strength to shed light on each one. It is often painful for me to re-live some things in order to truly put them behind me forever, but this is a necessary evil. When you do it, you must do it quickly and not drag out the task for longer than necessary.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Something good...Something bad
It always seems like whenever an amazing thing happens to me, the universe sends me a blow to the skull! In the past it has always been this way. I plan to change this. I realize it is my own life choices that have brought it about. I can have an incredible experience on stage and as soon as I am back with my family, some negative is put on me. This happened on the last occassion that I sang. It occurred to me that this is why I stopped in the first place...because the burden of overcoming these obstacles had become too much for me so I gave in...I gave up. Singing on stage used to be very important to me. I felt pure joy then. Now I feel anxiety when I am invited to do it. I worry about what will be the repercussion I will have to face. I suppose the people or person making me have this experience must be jealous or overly controlling of me.
So now I am asking myself: Angelmarie, why are you this way? What are you afraid of? Why can you not overcome this and get back to being the person you used to be once? What is at stake? What are you afraid of losing? What are you afraid of gaining? Are you afraid to succeed? are you afraid to fail? Are you afraid you will be alone? What are you feeling? I used to talk to a psychologist...when I was pregnant with Lex. Not many people know that, but I was very depressed during my pregnancy and up to a year after he was born too. I was so overwhelmed and in a very dark place. I had been here before. there was one other time in my life when I was in the same place...my freshman year at college. So just writing these words right now feels like I have broken down a wall. My failure to be vulnerable and even be able to translate my own feelings is pretty much ridiculus! I mean, most of my friends bring their problems and feelings to me and get advice and direction and wisdom from me. So how is it that I can be so out of touch with my own emotions that I cannot even succeed in counseling?? I quit my counseling and was unsatisfied with the outcome.
The main point I am trying to make, because I feel I have not made it yet, is that although I appear outwardly to have the answers that most people are looking for, internally I am battling to decipher what I feel about things...many things...mundane things and sometimes deeper things. During counseling, my doctor would ask me how something made me feel and I would not know...I could not tell the difference between Sadness and Anger. those were my main issue. Does that make me Sad? Or does that make me Angry? I had no idea. Both??? Geez Lady- who cares? It makes me feel like shit, ok? That's all I could tell for sure. I knew I wanted to die. Like, really die and be gone. Thankfully I did not get my wish. Thankfully my friend Jake at AAA saw the signs of my depression and practically saved my life by giving me the phone number to the Doctors at RI Hospital.
So how did I come out of it? As I mentioned, I abandoned my counseling...she wanted to put me on medication which I refused during my pregnancy. Then she told me to leave David. Clearly I could not work things out with him and we were supposedly not compatable. She was not wrong- about the problems we were dealing with and the eventual evolution to come where trust would always be a problem for us. she was not wrong. We are still there. The difference being that although I still need to make decisions, and although I still have no idea how I really truly feel at times, I am making bigger steps and greater progress now then ever before. I ask myself all the time; How do I really honestly feel about (whatever issue)...? And then when I have no answer, I meditate on it. I clear my mind and focus on nothing after I ask the question out loud. I often discover that within a day or two, I have a clearer perspective on what I feel. I guess you could say, I find the answer within myself when I quietly listen. another important development has been my gaining confidence in myself. I am less fearful now of creating waves and then standing by my decisions. I still do not share everything with David, because I can only have so many battles a day...and I wish to keep it manageable...but the ones I do have, I stand firm. I let him huff away in dissatisfaction. He needs to feel that! Too bad for him if he has to feel the way he has made me feel for years! It's about time he experiences a taste of it.
I do not want people to be unhappy- especially not my children's father. He is very important to my children and our home functions. I cannot pretend this is not true. But, I will not pretend to have feelings I do not have. Love is a complicated condition. Love is not a feeling or inclination. It is a FORCE of NATURE. It cannot be "handled"...it goes where it wants and fills the space however it wishes. So to say I do not love him would be a.lie, but to say that I love him feels false too...because it seems to suggest that I have a commitment to being together with him...forever. I have the feeling of doing right by him, but the rest I am no longer certain of. I did not plan to say these things in this blog, but I will not retract it because it is sincere and honest. It is what I feel, and at least I know what it is.
So now I am asking myself: Angelmarie, why are you this way? What are you afraid of? Why can you not overcome this and get back to being the person you used to be once? What is at stake? What are you afraid of losing? What are you afraid of gaining? Are you afraid to succeed? are you afraid to fail? Are you afraid you will be alone? What are you feeling? I used to talk to a psychologist...when I was pregnant with Lex. Not many people know that, but I was very depressed during my pregnancy and up to a year after he was born too. I was so overwhelmed and in a very dark place. I had been here before. there was one other time in my life when I was in the same place...my freshman year at college. So just writing these words right now feels like I have broken down a wall. My failure to be vulnerable and even be able to translate my own feelings is pretty much ridiculus! I mean, most of my friends bring their problems and feelings to me and get advice and direction and wisdom from me. So how is it that I can be so out of touch with my own emotions that I cannot even succeed in counseling?? I quit my counseling and was unsatisfied with the outcome.
The main point I am trying to make, because I feel I have not made it yet, is that although I appear outwardly to have the answers that most people are looking for, internally I am battling to decipher what I feel about things...many things...mundane things and sometimes deeper things. During counseling, my doctor would ask me how something made me feel and I would not know...I could not tell the difference between Sadness and Anger. those were my main issue. Does that make me Sad? Or does that make me Angry? I had no idea. Both??? Geez Lady- who cares? It makes me feel like shit, ok? That's all I could tell for sure. I knew I wanted to die. Like, really die and be gone. Thankfully I did not get my wish. Thankfully my friend Jake at AAA saw the signs of my depression and practically saved my life by giving me the phone number to the Doctors at RI Hospital.
So how did I come out of it? As I mentioned, I abandoned my counseling...she wanted to put me on medication which I refused during my pregnancy. Then she told me to leave David. Clearly I could not work things out with him and we were supposedly not compatable. She was not wrong- about the problems we were dealing with and the eventual evolution to come where trust would always be a problem for us. she was not wrong. We are still there. The difference being that although I still need to make decisions, and although I still have no idea how I really truly feel at times, I am making bigger steps and greater progress now then ever before. I ask myself all the time; How do I really honestly feel about (whatever issue)...? And then when I have no answer, I meditate on it. I clear my mind and focus on nothing after I ask the question out loud. I often discover that within a day or two, I have a clearer perspective on what I feel. I guess you could say, I find the answer within myself when I quietly listen. another important development has been my gaining confidence in myself. I am less fearful now of creating waves and then standing by my decisions. I still do not share everything with David, because I can only have so many battles a day...and I wish to keep it manageable...but the ones I do have, I stand firm. I let him huff away in dissatisfaction. He needs to feel that! Too bad for him if he has to feel the way he has made me feel for years! It's about time he experiences a taste of it.
I do not want people to be unhappy- especially not my children's father. He is very important to my children and our home functions. I cannot pretend this is not true. But, I will not pretend to have feelings I do not have. Love is a complicated condition. Love is not a feeling or inclination. It is a FORCE of NATURE. It cannot be "handled"...it goes where it wants and fills the space however it wishes. So to say I do not love him would be a.lie, but to say that I love him feels false too...because it seems to suggest that I have a commitment to being together with him...forever. I have the feeling of doing right by him, but the rest I am no longer certain of. I did not plan to say these things in this blog, but I will not retract it because it is sincere and honest. It is what I feel, and at least I know what it is.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Good day for writing
Today is a good day for writing. I feel inspired, motivated and creative all at the same time. I have been deep in thought for a while...stuck in thought is a better way to say it. I see it is taking its toll on my family so I have started to actively try to be more out-of-my-head. When I opened my eyes, I saw that I was not showing them love...or affection, as I should. I am also not meeting their needs the best I can. I am afterall, a vital part of the network I call a family. As the Mother, I have many important responsibilities and obligations I must honor and fill (overfill). I have become sloppy- treating them as second best. My own fantasy-world has become first before them. So that must stop. I mean, my fantasy world lives on but it has to be kept in check at all times.
in the winter, I accomplish a lot of planning ahead of the summer which allows me to coast through summer in the moment and enjoy the best weather of the year. I have many events and plans coming along in the fall and winter and also a week-vacation in early August which all need advanced preparation to succeed. I am excited by all the wonderful things coming this year. Summer should be relaxing with the daycare. Like last year, we are all eager to strip down to swimwear and bare feet and just wander around the neighborhood and beach admiring the grandeur of nature. I thoroughly enjoyed summer of 2010 and wish for a summer exactly like it in every way for 2011! How often can you say you would do things exactly the same next time? It's a real pleasure!
Writing is another place I feel exhilerated right now! It's amazing how a new task can bring you to an achievement you never believed may come! I have many talents and have been sad for so long...failing to utilize them...failing to recognize that by practicing any one of them I would instantly alter my mood and raise my energy to a higher level! Now I cannot be stopped or altered. It is like a high I am reaching! Writing, singing, yoga, striving for personal excellence in my appearance and self-care as well as in my financial life and work ethic. It is wonderful and exhilerating. I have cast-off my past fears and unhappinesses and have found new sources of joy!
I wish this path for all my friends and family. It is the path less travelled and has made all the difference...for me.
in the winter, I accomplish a lot of planning ahead of the summer which allows me to coast through summer in the moment and enjoy the best weather of the year. I have many events and plans coming along in the fall and winter and also a week-vacation in early August which all need advanced preparation to succeed. I am excited by all the wonderful things coming this year. Summer should be relaxing with the daycare. Like last year, we are all eager to strip down to swimwear and bare feet and just wander around the neighborhood and beach admiring the grandeur of nature. I thoroughly enjoyed summer of 2010 and wish for a summer exactly like it in every way for 2011! How often can you say you would do things exactly the same next time? It's a real pleasure!
Writing is another place I feel exhilerated right now! It's amazing how a new task can bring you to an achievement you never believed may come! I have many talents and have been sad for so long...failing to utilize them...failing to recognize that by practicing any one of them I would instantly alter my mood and raise my energy to a higher level! Now I cannot be stopped or altered. It is like a high I am reaching! Writing, singing, yoga, striving for personal excellence in my appearance and self-care as well as in my financial life and work ethic. It is wonderful and exhilerating. I have cast-off my past fears and unhappinesses and have found new sources of joy!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
~Feeling Inspired by inspired feelings~
What a refreshing change of pace for me. Life is handing me a bowl of cherries...pits and stems removed. So many lovely blessings...1,2,3///I am counting them as we speak. I loved my day today. I feel free. I know that I can have everything I dream of in life: The perfect home, love-life, career satisfaction. I can, I must. There is only one time we travel these roads of life and during it we must suck the marrow...dig down deep into the depths of our souls and reveal to ourselves what we must. Our paths are to be paved...by us. I am creating a new place for myself in the world. I feel enthusiastic and excited about its revelation.
When I reflect upon my past...from childhood I have always wished to see myself as special...not average and not invisible. I had no idea how to achieve this type of life. Now, I do. Now I have that kind of life and I proudly proclaim to the world, "I am here!". I do this by offering love to everyone around me...as much as I can and as often as needed. In each interaction I ask myself, "what is this person looking for?". Do they need sympathy? Empathy? Love? Advice? Direction? a wake-up call? A mother? A sister? a compliment? Encouragement? Maybe they just need good customer service and a bit of kindness...courtesy. I deliver it. I have become so astute with reading emotions of others and also about interpreting my own that I wonder what my past thoughts even were...they seem to be the thoughts of an entirely different person. I don't know her. I don't remember her. But I do know that everything that has happened, will happen and is happening all at once. Everywhere and everything combine.
I have also discovered the wonderful gift of humor...and of not taking myself or my life too seriously. I find the ability to chuckle at my undesirable moments and my faults. It is refreshing to take this approach with myself and others. I know that my inner thoughts become the words I speak and these reinforce to the universe that which I want most. The Universe is always listening to me and hence my thoughts are powerful. My thoughts achieve for me the success that my life will later come to reflect. What a wonderful knowledge I have acquired. My faith attracts all good things to me. I am not afraid to try anything new with this kind of support on my side.
I love the people in my life. They make such a difference to me. They reflect the love I show. They reflect the glow I beam. They give as much as I do. They care as much as I care for them and all these come into balance with ease and no effort. When situations arise where things become unbalanced, I spend extra time in meditation for clarity and to let my spirirt rise to its higher self. In my "higher" state of clarity, it is easier to see solutions to situations that could ultimately be frustrating to me or others. I find myself solving many problems now that I have never been very effective at before. I owe this in part to the support network surrounding me from home to work. In my family structure, I have many people to support my goals and enrich my life. In my work, I have a mixture of autonomy and wonderful leadership. I see myself as an effective leader.
When I reflect upon my past...from childhood I have always wished to see myself as special...not average and not invisible. I had no idea how to achieve this type of life. Now, I do. Now I have that kind of life and I proudly proclaim to the world, "I am here!". I do this by offering love to everyone around me...as much as I can and as often as needed. In each interaction I ask myself, "what is this person looking for?". Do they need sympathy? Empathy? Love? Advice? Direction? a wake-up call? A mother? A sister? a compliment? Encouragement? Maybe they just need good customer service and a bit of kindness...courtesy. I deliver it. I have become so astute with reading emotions of others and also about interpreting my own that I wonder what my past thoughts even were...they seem to be the thoughts of an entirely different person. I don't know her. I don't remember her. But I do know that everything that has happened, will happen and is happening all at once. Everywhere and everything combine.
I have also discovered the wonderful gift of humor...and of not taking myself or my life too seriously. I find the ability to chuckle at my undesirable moments and my faults. It is refreshing to take this approach with myself and others. I know that my inner thoughts become the words I speak and these reinforce to the universe that which I want most. The Universe is always listening to me and hence my thoughts are powerful. My thoughts achieve for me the success that my life will later come to reflect. What a wonderful knowledge I have acquired. My faith attracts all good things to me. I am not afraid to try anything new with this kind of support on my side.
I love the people in my life. They make such a difference to me. They reflect the love I show. They reflect the glow I beam. They give as much as I do. They care as much as I care for them and all these come into balance with ease and no effort. When situations arise where things become unbalanced, I spend extra time in meditation for clarity and to let my spirirt rise to its higher self. In my "higher" state of clarity, it is easier to see solutions to situations that could ultimately be frustrating to me or others. I find myself solving many problems now that I have never been very effective at before. I owe this in part to the support network surrounding me from home to work. In my family structure, I have many people to support my goals and enrich my life. In my work, I have a mixture of autonomy and wonderful leadership. I see myself as an effective leader.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Password
I was locked out of my blog because I forgot my password. Ironic, right? I haven't created a new writing in about a month since I got very busy around the holidays. It wasn't the usual holiday stuff, if that is what you are thinking. It was a series of events and occurrances that popped up and made it necessary to engage in them. There was the van...then finding a new mode of transportation. There was also my new weekend job at AAA. There was a round of sickness for the family and then one just for me (special). Then just before Christmas there was a wonderful snowstorm. They announced it would be a blizzard but It was only about a foot- mostly owing to the wind which in my whole life, I have never seen such fierce winds outside of hurricanes. I thoroughly enjoy a good hurricane. That may seem weird to some people...but I really love being in it. Of course, I mean in a safe place.
Switching subjects a little back to my health...I recently discovered that my LDL Cholesterol is higher than normal and HDL cholesterol is lower than it should be. SO...I am changing my ways! There is one habit I have had for a long time that I have known was not good for me. My morning coffee-the cream or powdered cream is loaded with TransFat. I have been drinking it with Equal instead of sugar and I add Silk Almond Milk. At first I didn't like it but I had to figure out the perfect way to blend it. Large travel cup/ higher quality coffee- Dunkin Dark Roast/ and enjoy! I am still losing weight. The low cholesterol diet is helping. What I really need exercise. SO...even though there is still a bit of snow on the ground, I would like to get out for a walk today. Wednesday mornings are often slow for me...just me and Lex. I love those mornings.
As for my New Year and my plans: I have many big ideas, as always. I have HUGE plans. Daly and Justin's wedding in October; A trip to New Hampshire in August; A new car for me....a new OLD car...; Money in the bank; IWEP certification to kick-off my professional planning business! And some personal goals too- losing weight; writing a book or memoir of some sort; relationship changes. Anyway- I am not lacking in ambition! That much I know! And my dreams have the potential to burst into fruition overnight if I believe it possible! And you better know, I DO!
Switching subjects a little back to my health...I recently discovered that my LDL Cholesterol is higher than normal and HDL cholesterol is lower than it should be. SO...I am changing my ways! There is one habit I have had for a long time that I have known was not good for me. My morning coffee-the cream or powdered cream is loaded with TransFat. I have been drinking it with Equal instead of sugar and I add Silk Almond Milk. At first I didn't like it but I had to figure out the perfect way to blend it. Large travel cup/ higher quality coffee- Dunkin Dark Roast/ and enjoy! I am still losing weight. The low cholesterol diet is helping. What I really need exercise. SO...even though there is still a bit of snow on the ground, I would like to get out for a walk today. Wednesday mornings are often slow for me...just me and Lex. I love those mornings.
As for my New Year and my plans: I have many big ideas, as always. I have HUGE plans. Daly and Justin's wedding in October; A trip to New Hampshire in August; A new car for me....a new OLD car...; Money in the bank; IWEP certification to kick-off my professional planning business! And some personal goals too- losing weight; writing a book or memoir of some sort; relationship changes. Anyway- I am not lacking in ambition! That much I know! And my dreams have the potential to burst into fruition overnight if I believe it possible! And you better know, I DO!
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