It always seems like whenever an amazing thing happens to me, the universe sends me a blow to the skull! In the past it has always been this way. I plan to change this. I realize it is my own life choices that have brought it about. I can have an incredible experience on stage and as soon as I am back with my family, some negative is put on me. This happened on the last occassion that I sang. It occurred to me that this is why I stopped in the first place...because the burden of overcoming these obstacles had become too much for me so I gave in...I gave up. Singing on stage used to be very important to me. I felt pure joy then. Now I feel anxiety when I am invited to do it. I worry about what will be the repercussion I will have to face. I suppose the people or person making me have this experience must be jealous or overly controlling of me.
So now I am asking myself: Angelmarie, why are you this way? What are you afraid of? Why can you not overcome this and get back to being the person you used to be once? What is at stake? What are you afraid of losing? What are you afraid of gaining? Are you afraid to succeed? are you afraid to fail? Are you afraid you will be alone? What are you feeling? I used to talk to a psychologist...when I was pregnant with Lex. Not many people know that, but I was very depressed during my pregnancy and up to a year after he was born too. I was so overwhelmed and in a very dark place. I had been here before. there was one other time in my life when I was in the same place...my freshman year at college. So just writing these words right now feels like I have broken down a wall. My failure to be vulnerable and even be able to translate my own feelings is pretty much ridiculus! I mean, most of my friends bring their problems and feelings to me and get advice and direction and wisdom from me. So how is it that I can be so out of touch with my own emotions that I cannot even succeed in counseling?? I quit my counseling and was unsatisfied with the outcome.
The main point I am trying to make, because I feel I have not made it yet, is that although I appear outwardly to have the answers that most people are looking for, internally I am battling to decipher what I feel about things...many things...mundane things and sometimes deeper things. During counseling, my doctor would ask me how something made me feel and I would not know...I could not tell the difference between Sadness and Anger. those were my main issue. Does that make me Sad? Or does that make me Angry? I had no idea. Both??? Geez Lady- who cares? It makes me feel like shit, ok? That's all I could tell for sure. I knew I wanted to die. Like, really die and be gone. Thankfully I did not get my wish. Thankfully my friend Jake at AAA saw the signs of my depression and practically saved my life by giving me the phone number to the Doctors at RI Hospital.
So how did I come out of it? As I mentioned, I abandoned my counseling...she wanted to put me on medication which I refused during my pregnancy. Then she told me to leave David. Clearly I could not work things out with him and we were supposedly not compatable. She was not wrong- about the problems we were dealing with and the eventual evolution to come where trust would always be a problem for us. she was not wrong. We are still there. The difference being that although I still need to make decisions, and although I still have no idea how I really truly feel at times, I am making bigger steps and greater progress now then ever before. I ask myself all the time; How do I really honestly feel about (whatever issue)...? And then when I have no answer, I meditate on it. I clear my mind and focus on nothing after I ask the question out loud. I often discover that within a day or two, I have a clearer perspective on what I feel. I guess you could say, I find the answer within myself when I quietly listen. another important development has been my gaining confidence in myself. I am less fearful now of creating waves and then standing by my decisions. I still do not share everything with David, because I can only have so many battles a day...and I wish to keep it manageable...but the ones I do have, I stand firm. I let him huff away in dissatisfaction. He needs to feel that! Too bad for him if he has to feel the way he has made me feel for years! It's about time he experiences a taste of it.
I do not want people to be unhappy- especially not my children's father. He is very important to my children and our home functions. I cannot pretend this is not true. But, I will not pretend to have feelings I do not have. Love is a complicated condition. Love is not a feeling or inclination. It is a FORCE of NATURE. It cannot be "handled"...it goes where it wants and fills the space however it wishes. So to say I do not love him would be a.lie, but to say that I love him feels false too...because it seems to suggest that I have a commitment to being together with him...forever. I have the feeling of doing right by him, but the rest I am no longer certain of. I did not plan to say these things in this blog, but I will not retract it because it is sincere and honest. It is what I feel, and at least I know what it is.
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