~Do it for Yourself~

Sometimes in life, you've just got to do it for yourself.  Other people are going to be judging you or pushing you around or letting you down or worse.  The people who wish for you to fail will always be in the wings...watching for their opportunity to sink negativity into your soul.  So you just have to want whatever you want...want it with all your heart and soul.  Feel what you want passionately.  Love it- your dream.  Really BELIEVE that it is yours.  When it comes to the BIG decisions...I mean the really really tough stuff...you need to follow your gut.  Whatever it is that you feel that passion for, it is meant for you..to be -to have and to possess.  It is never as far aways as you believe it is.

I have been wishing to fullfill my life's dream of having an amazing life!  I have a dream of being in Business for myself and making excellent money and being the Head of my own household.  I wish to make enough money to take care of every need that I have or that my children or spouse have.  I would like to be able to invest in others too and in the community.  Most important to me is the feeling of autonomy and confidence that comes from not needing to depend on anyone but myself.  I wish for a beautiful car and a wardrobe of professional clothes and everything that would make my children happy.  I want them to have money for their educational needs as they enter adulthood. Overcoming this obstacle is very important to me.

So the Law of Attraction is what I need to remember.  I recently downloaded "The Master Key System" by Charles Haanel.  I did this because I recognize that I get small results with the LOA and the reason for this is that my ability to clear my mind and be in control of my thoughts is not my strongest attribute- it needs work.  Mastery of our thoughts is the key to successfully manifesting what we wish for in our lives.  I have been having a lot of up and down days recently.  I want to cultivate the strongest mind !  I want to see the LOA work...bigtime.

A few days ago when we were preparing for Ani's last day of Acting Camp, I was meditating on what a wonderful experience this has been for her and how much she has learned.  I had good-no, GREAT feeling about what she has been doing.  As I considered all the things that had happened already and all that was still to come, I had a vision of Adrian inviting the children back for another day of camp.  As it turned out, the day of camp did not go smoothly according to the parent who stayed behind at the hotel and when I arrived later for my daughter's photo shoot, another mom there informed me about it.  after talking with Ani I realized that it had not hindered her at all as far as I could tell and I had no bad feelings about it.  The Mom went on to say that she and the other Mothers there believed that we would be invited back for additional camp days or hours.

Today I received a message of great encouragement and it was that in fact we were being invited back for more camp training.  It was for a full day!  I believe that my joy and my pure heart in wanting something mutually beneficial attracted this.  It just felt like a  mini-miracle.  Sounds silly to say it now, but maybe it increased my faith a bit.

~9-year old~

What can a 9-year old possibly know about life?  What can they possible know about what they want out of life?  I am wondering about this because my duaghter is 9-years old and has recently informed me of her passion for becoming an actor.  In specific she would like to be a Disney Channel or Nickelodeon channel tv star.  Over the past 3 to 4 years I have often heard it remarked to me that Annika had a certain quality about her- a charisma and dynamism and flair for dramatics.  about a year ago when we came back from our Disney vacation, she became interested in video-blogging with our flip camera.  She loves to put on a show and record it and especially to host and ask questions.  Thinking back on this makes me remember it more vividly.  I never put much thought into it at the time.  I figured all children do these things and all children dream of a life of stardom...don't they?  Maybe not it seems.

So in late January, as I was working my weekend job and my kids were with their older siblings, Annika heard about an audition for the Disney Channel in our area.  I never really listen or tune into these commercials myself, but Annika was listening carefully.  She even memorized the number and was able to repeat it back to me a full month later!  Anyway, she told me about the audition callout on the radio and she had a very serious talk with me.  during this talk, she expressed her sincere desire to tryout and her intense interest in having this chance.  She told me she loved the idea of becoming an actor.  I had always steered her away from talking about acting since it seemed to me a very far-fetched idea and a difficult career to get into.  Besides, everyone knows there are only a handful of people who ever make it big in such lines of work.  I just hated the idea of my kid having to face so much disappointment.

Driving home the next week at the end of my Sunday shift, I had come to the conclusion that my weekend job for my favorite company in RI was awesome but not fullfilling and that right now was not going to be the time to grow any further there.  I felt quite certain of it and resolved there and then that I would be leaving at the end of my temp period in late March.  Just then, I heard the commercial on the radio...it was the very same one Annika had told me about.  I was on the highway but I figured I might try the toll-free number and see what happened.  A woman answered and within minutes I had made an audition time for 11am the following Saturday, which meant I would need to miss work.  I was unphased as I had only just committed myself to the fact that at this time, that job was not going to grow into anything for me.  SO, feeling confident I informed the family at home.  I expected a bit of resistance from her Dad, but to my surprise and dismay, he quickly set about making arrangements to support her participation.

At this point I was not sure why I was even doing this.  I was against the idea of promoting an "actors life" for my child and yet I was willing to let her tryout for the Disney Channel?  Maybe deep down I was hoping to see what she was made of.  I think I really want to believe that she is special enough to be like those rare few who stand a chance at real fame and stardom.  Luckily for Annika, I have been on the stage and I have tasted fame and seen stardom just ahead of me.  In my life however, this was not what I truly desired.  I desired a family and so I now have it.  But...she is not me and therefore has her own dreams and goals.  So Annika selected a monologue- chose her hairstyle and outfit and made a strong impression on a famous actor (Phil Lewis) and was consequently offerred a coveted spot in Acting Camp. 

I love Irony, Synchronicity and Serendipity...fate, if you will.  The cost of camp was more than we had in our bank accounts even just for the least expensive portion.  But, I would soon realize that there are many reasons why we do things and have things and many purposes under the heavens why things are the way they are.  I had $1000 saved up to buy myself a used car.  My grammi who loves Annika and feels she is truly extraordinary, gladly forwarded us $750 which gave us enough to cover 20 hours of camp and qualify her for the privelege of being seen and heard by casting directors and agents to be invited out by Celebrity Actors Camp, Adrian R'Mante.  We also were able to squeeze out enough to cover a photo shoot by one of LA's hottest photographers, Matthew Mitchel.  His professional photos are completely wonderful.

So this was the start of Annika's great adventure.  February of 2011.  At 9-years old, my daughter created her own business.  I envy her and love her.

grown up

On the Outside looking in
It's someplace I have never been
Used to be so insecure
but I don't feel that anymore

I don't see it but I am grown up
I don't feel too much I own up
whatever life brings I'm ready...it can't shake me...I'm ready

So ask me to give you up but don't tempt me
My world is magnetically unempty
smile big if you think you really know me
And if you Love me then you better show me

One false move and I'm gone
One more lie, I am torn
I just don't care like before
so move aside I'm out the door

I didn't see it coming but now I'm grown up
now I'm telling you it's time to own up
you are still shaking and you're not steady...your not ready  SO GO

I may sound bitter but i'm not
Everything I need,  I've got
walk away slowly or run fast
nothing this good can last

I knew eventually I'd have to grow up
but with you I just had to show up
Everything her is easy, cuz you please me... and it's easy

ProvidenceWood

Today is Sunday, and the end of the Actors Camp for the weekend.  This was an informative, hectic, whirlwind of a weekend.  We met Adrain R'Mante and his wife Sandra.  The Celebrity Actors who did the training with Adrian were Chester See and Matthew Timmons.  Annika enjoyed the training.  She learned how to perform commercial auditions and how to be poised during these types of auditions.  They taught her how to be prepared for what would happen during such an audition.  Overall, this was valuable training and useful for other things that she will encounter in life when dealing with adults. 

Annika is a complex child.  She can be timid at times and outgoing at times.  As her mother, I feel that I must know her very deeply.  I am trying to tune into that part of me that knows her so intimately so that I can help her more to make the best of this unique opportunity.  Adrian says she needs to project that upbeat and outgoing person as soon as she gets to her audition.  he says that she is good at acting when she finally reaches her comfort level however she takes a bit of time to get to that.  I have faith in her...I honestly do.  My issue with her is that she seems to be resisting improving.  I cannot pinpoint why.  No one can change without being properly motivated to do so and yet I am not sure what it is she wants so I cannot tap into it to motivate her.

The Law of Attraction gives us whatever we ask for and wish for.  I wish to have the wisdom of seeing what Annika is feeling and what may be holding her back.  I suppose like most children she needs to enjoy things and play and not take things too seriously.  Unfortunately for child actors, you do need to take things seriously.  I think in a little way, you need to put the blinders on.  There are too many other people and other distractions around youth actors.  It must be very difficult to be in those formative years of life with the insecurities that come with it.  My child is clearly struggling with some of these and so she does need support and encouragement.  I can do that!  I am one of the most encouraging people out there!  And I genuinely see many things in her to be proud of.  Now, I must convince her of that!

A Star is born

This could be the day that everything changes.  Or this could be the week or month...but indeed this is a special time, and a time to believe that anything is possible.  A recent development has raised my awareness of  THE SECRET working in my life- the Law of Attraction.  I find myself more amused than ever with my daughter Annika.  It's like I suddenly see her in a whole new light.  She has been given a rare opportunity to break-out as an actor.  She hates that I call her an actor..."Mommy I am an Actress...".  I explain to her that it is a sign of confidence to refer to yourself as an actor.  Anyway, she seems not to believe me.  The point is... WONDERFUL opportunities are coming her way.  As things have unfolded, I feel more and more gratitude coming to my heart.  I do not even need to dig down deep for it- it is just there.

I am amazed at how easily I feel things now.  I must have been very numb for a very long time.  It altered me.  depression, anxiety and anger...lingering for years, interfered with my judgement and created many problems for me.  But now, with better habits and self-LOVE for the first time in my life, I am transformed.  I feel like the real me is here at last.  It only took 36 years!  As a teenager and preteen I had a sense that I was destined for something greater than an average life.  But overshadowed by family issues, I was unable to muster much confidence to try things beyond my French Horn and the Band.  Getting into college certainly increased my confidence but it did not last.  I would experience something positive and then soon after it would seem to fade away into a great big fat negative. 

So my inutition and ambition are working together in perfect harmony right now.  I feel like I have a sled on icy snow on the top of a hill...the sled is sitting there..the hill is slippery and perfect.  I have my winter gear on and I feel ready for the adventure of this fun slide....at the bottom of the hill is everything I could ever hope for just waiting for me.  Warm cocoa and a party with my friends.  So why am I scared to hop on?  One reason- I fear the speed....can't I just walk down the hill?  Nope.  Apparently if I want my party and my cocoa, I have to use the sled.  But I am scared of this super big hill!  What if I fall?  What if the sled topples over?  What if I can't handle the feeling of virtually flying through the air?

Well, I get to choose.  I have walked away from many good opportunities in the past.  But for some reason, serendipitously, everyone and everything is aligned to support it...no one is actually putting blockades in front of me (of Us)...so why would I do so?  We all know why.  Who's afraid of succeeding?  I AM!

My Family

My Family...this is the subject I am choosing for today's blog.  What can I say about them?  To start with, the idea of family is complex.  When I was a child, my family was my Mother, Dad and 2 sisters and then my baby brother John.  Growing up was a different world from my own family that I have built now with David.  The family I have now, is Me and Him...my daughter and my son.  We a re a four-piece set.  My kids have two amazing older sisters who are grown and creating their own families now...but they are a vital part of my children's lives.  For me, my step-daughters are my friends.  I worry about them in much the same way I would were they my own girls, but on the other hand, we are so close in age that it is easy to relate to each other and to the stages of life that we are passing through.

Anyway, my four-piece set is a wonderful group.  We have a lot to be grateful for.  We have certainly come through some difficult times over the years.  In 2011 we seem to be happier than ever.  I do hope it lasts and grows and deepens because David and I, we, are completely in love with our children and the Love we have for one another is also very deep and very spiritual.  We have been recently discussing what it is that helps that affection to stay strong.  It is a delicate blossom-Love.  You cannot neglect Love and expect it to persevere...it will not...it will die.  Love cannot exist where it does not.  Too vague?  dwell on it and it will come to you. 
My problems in my relationship have long-stemed from my lack of affection for David.  Over the years I have let many things come between us and have harbored grudges.  He has done the same.  Oddly, when we really focus in the present day, and in the moment, we are actually developing some understanding for one another.  It is slow progress and it cannot exist alone, it must be coupled with other loving gestures and acts in order to truly work, but it can and it does when you allow it.  When you let Love be...it will be.  sounds a bit confusciousy?  Yup.  I agree.  But I cannot tell you how miracles work- no one can.  They cannot be understood, only experienced and appreciated. 
I feel 2011 could produce a miracle for my LoveLife.  Either it will deepen where I am now and heal a gap in a 13-yr marriage...OR....it will demonstrate once and for all that we must part.  And if it does, it will take courage and determination but it can and will be done.