Ventilate

You have to vent sometimes...because you are only human.  I love people.  I genuinely love the people in my life.  I choose them to be there and because they are there...because I answer when they call and because I care...I notice.  I notice the stress and strain that life puts on people, myself included.  I have been under pressure here and there this past year or two.  It's nothing I cannot handle, but occassionally I need to "vent" a little bit.  This is not to say I need to wallow around in my bad feelings and my frustration and complain to every ear that will listen...but occassionally I do that too!  The Law of Attraction has shown me that doing so only perpetuates those dark feelings.  But!  Here is the clincher!  IF you fail to release the pressure as it builds up...you will certainly do as much harm as complaining!

Letting off steam...venting....speaking your mind...all are healthy behaviors when done in moderation.  I can let stuff build until I explode, believe me!  But it only causes painful hard feelings.  If I am being totally honest, my stress comes from my kids and their Dad.  But it's the kind of stress that is not easy to eliminate.  It's the kind that is going to keep coming back over and over again and so I need a healthy outlet for it.  I considered becoming a runner.  I don't LIKE running, but it is strenuous exercise and that is the best kind to engage in when you need stress-relief because you become so engaged in the task that there is little time to dwell on other things.  On the contrary if I walk...I can dwell like crazy if I want to!  It takes more discipline to walk then to run because I have to control my mind and that is the harder one to do!

Since the beginning of the summer, I have not had ANY time to meditate.  Now I know how that sounds...like a big fat excuse.  HOWEVER...this has been a really important learning opportunity for me.  I have learned that somethings are so very crucial to our peace and tranquility that we must literally purge ourselves of sleep and other comforts and seek out the place and time to attend to our needs...in my case, my spiritual needs to meditate.  Because of the children being home from school for Summer Break, I face tremendous demands from them for my time and then for cleaning and organizing to keep my business functioning.  In addition, with so many people in the house and using every inch of space, there is no where to go to meditate.  The children who come here and do not rest during my allotted "Quiet Time" create difficulties for me in getting a peaceful and undisturbed space of time to relax and meditate.  After the close of  the daycare day, I still have my 2 children who never leave my side and their father who reluctantly does his part and that is very little in the way of managing them so that I can get a break. Even when I leave the house to run errands, my children are with me.

My venting has already made me feel better!  Thanks for listening...I am going to try and find the quiet...not right now though, because it's POOL time for the kids....SOOOOOOO...maybe tomorrow?  5am?  Ya right!  Ok...there is a slight chance I might get up that early.

~namaste

~things People say~

Finding truth...THE TRUTH...is a quest of mine.  It is a life quest for me.  I know now that there are plenty of truths and lies to go around.  So my focus this last half-year has been to sharpen my intuitive abilities, which at one time in my life were very strong and were lost for a while.  I have done what I needed...acquired the sight (as it were) and now I find myself able to analyze and figure things out much more quickly.  I wish I could quantify that skill...market it...or make myself marketable with it.  But for those who know me well, they are aware of it and can count on me to express astute judgement.  My one shortcoming that would ruin good judgement: impatience.  I can be impatient when I strongly desire something. 

So finding the truth....one of the many truths.  I want to discuss that today.  People say so many things.  Fortunately I do not believe most of what people tell me and I no longer consider it a fault of any person with whatever they say.  I realize many influences are at work upon us all in this world.  We are subjects of this life and it's many difficulties.  Our lives are intended to be beautiful and perfect.  But of course, there is plenty to affect the achievement of that perfection.  There is poverty, famine, illness and maleficence in the world all around us.  We must choose not to give it more power than it has.  I turn away.  I refuse to look at it, think about it or infuse it with any of my life energy.  Working with children gives me an easy escape from many of life's evils.  Children are NOT evil, and therefore, I am blessed to spend my day among them.

Someone told me a story yesterday and it really made my heart ache.  My chest hurts now thinking of it as a matter of fact.  I heard about a man who inspired others.  He seemed pretty great.  He lifted the poor of spirit and elevated them...he encouraged people to be better.  I bet he even was a musician.  But he had a darkness in him that he never healed and so he took his life.  I sometimes feel like that is me.  No one would ever suspect it...that I could think of taking my own life.  I constantly encourage and share and smile and celebrate and create...but what about that lingering sadness?  It needs healing.  I am a little upset because I suddenly recognize that I still need healing.  I thought I was great.  But then I heard that story and I felt sick about myself.  I saw a mirror.  I saw me.

Many people do what I have done to try and heal themselves.  They stuff their sorrows way down into themselves and hope it disappears.  But it only hides.  It reappears at a later time.  My life has had many sad events, disruptions and disappointments.  I don't need to wallow in them, but I would like to really heal.  I have decided I need to.  I may even need to see a professional for help with it, but for now, I need to open my heart and allow it to come.  That is phase one.  My friend who shared that story with me made a point about gratitude.  Gratitude is the great healer.  Gratitude is the only way to elevate yourself.  So phase two is to surrender to complete gratitude.  Showing and feeling that I am GLAD I survived...I am glad I made it this far...I have SO MUCH that I maybe would not have had if not been for whatever turn I took in the road that brought me here.  And what about all the people in my life?  I love them all.  I truly do.  But I NEVER show it...so caught up in my dream world. 

I can barely share these thoughts, because they are bringing up so much emotion that I am writing through my tears.  I have a wonderful life.  If I have this and nothing more, I have got alot.  I do not want what others have...and I do not desire to take it away from them.  I do not despise what I have...nor want to lose it.  Anything that needs to be changed, altered or fixed is my present work, and I must be dutiful but grateful.  People say a lot of things.  It can be very confusing.  I choose to listen to my inner voice.  I will listen to you, as long as you do not preach.  you are not here to teach me, but if you DO...you have done it by your example.  And I hope I have too.

~namaste

Turn and Face the Strain

I would like to begin today's blog with the lyrics to a very influential song...a song that happens to be on my mind.

Changes
by David Bowie

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't tell t hem to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Where's your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I'm going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Oh, look out you rock 'n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Pretty soon you're gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time

Let the words settle in for a while.  What kind of picture comes to your mind's eye?  What did it look like?  For me, I see a reflection of my hopes and dreams and also a reflection of my realities.  Everything changes all the time and never really stays the same at all.  I found myself discussing this with the 9 and 10-years olds today.  We all have the ability to shape and mold what those changes will be.  The better focused and prepared we are for the fact of the changes, the more control we have.  A perfect example of how we can control outcomes is to look at our health.  The reality is we may have been born with an illness or contracted an illness or just have a hereditary disposition toward a particular disease or medical concern.  Knowing this, we can exercise control and steere our course of life as we desire.  Our failure would be to do nothing at all when we clearly have control.

I have been thinking a lot about this matter and I discussed it last night with my stepdaughter Daly who is living with us presently.  Because we live together, we often eat together and shop for food and health items and so the discussion arose about ways to make small changes to improve our overall health and wellness.  As it happens, I have this wonderful book that I referred to yesterday.  I have 4 or 5 medical conditions ranging from minor to more serious and I read-up on them all to create a list of Natural foods, Vitamins, Minerals and Supplements to use for optimum health.  I confessed to Daly that I was feeling overly fatigued.  I assumed I would need to get to the Doctor for a check up but then it dawned on me that I...and ALL of us have the ability to improve ourselves.  What can a doctor tell me?  The first thing Dr. Beaupre will ask is if I have been eating a healthy diet and taking vitamins and water.  Then he will ask how my stress is and have I been exercising.  Well!  I should just march myself right out of his office then and there because I eat like a teenager...drink too much coffee and getting exercise but it is not on a regular basis.  So first things first, I decided to modify and take action to feel better.  I started slowly, using the supplements I have on-hand.  No need to break the bank on items I need to buy.  I upped my daily intake of Vitamin C and Vitamins D and Calcium.  I increased my water intake, walking and Fresh Fruits.  In less than a week my energy was higher than ever.  I never would have believed it was true until I felt the difference and now I believe.

I have a wonderful list now.  I combine all my successful systems from the past and what I have learned on my own and I know I can feel optimum health.  I have a few goals for my health right now.  I will list them:
1.  Lower "bad Cholesterol" and raise the Good.
2.  Maintain low overall cholesterol
3.  Manage Low Iron/Anemia with daily intake of Natural Minerals found in salad.
4.  Become a Runner
5.  Deepen my Yoga
6.  Deepen my meditation
7.  Eliminate Animal Fat
8.  eliminate or moderate refined sugars.
9.  Teach my children to do the same.

I hate to end the list on an odd number but somehow that odd number makes me feel lucky today.  I do feel very lucky today and also very loved.  My other Step-Daughter Didi reached out to share some spiritual encouragement and it made me really happy.  The physical and spiritual need to work together for any person to attain perfect health.  Our spiritual balance results in good mental health.  Combining that good mental health with exercise and a healthy diet is the best course to take toward warding off illnesses...especially major illnesses.  No one is in perfect health.  Even if we don't see it on a test, issues can exist below the surface and that is precisely why I believe good mental health can protect us.  I perform daily affirmations of my good health.  I EXPECT good health and I offer gratitude for my good health. 

So turn and face the strain.  Turn and face what strains you...what stresses you.  Face it head on.  Do not be afraid of it...embrace it.  Doing so will make you stronger.  You will be STRONGER.  Have faith.  IF you believe something is good...good for you...then live it out.  Live that dream.  Do not be persuaded by people who are naysayers because there will be plenty of them.  If you listen to their negativity and change to their beliefs over yours, you will have their negativity to weigh you down.  Don't do it.  I hope you will believe.  I never saw negativity for what it was.  I never realized what a miserable person I am sometimes.  I have mood swings and I become irritable and I am impatient.  This is what I am like when I am having a bad day or a bad moment.  What I just described is what you would see in me on my worst day.  There was a time when I would have denied it, but now I can admit it and work to CHANGE myself...in those moments..when I need faith and hope.  I need to show Love for my life and all the good in it.

Today was amazing.  Here are some pictures of our time exploring at Greenwich Bay...Our Beach...here in Warwick RI.

I will leave you with these beautiful images.

~namaste~

~Summer Vacation~

Remember when "Summer Vacation" or" School Vacation" were words that aroused dreams of fun times to play and sleep late?  If you do, then you had a childhood like mine...normal.  Now that I am an adult the words don't quite have the same meaning but they certainly are meaningful.  It is especially nice this year to feel the sun on my face and the heat of Summer Days.  Rhode Island has a fairly short summer...mid June to late August at best, during which we generally experience little rain and plenty of Sunny and warm weather with high temperatures in the mid 80's to mid 90's...the higher of which we consider a Scorcher around here.  Even still, I dream of leaving here and moving to Florida where it is a constant 90.

Today was a typical Summer day in Rhode Island, here in Warwick.  We live near the Apponaug Cove of Greenwich Bay and this is where my daycare is...a short walk to 2 private-access beaches where the kids and I spend our mornings most days.  The beaches here in Apponaug only draw local crowds from the neighborhood since there is no parking permitted on the streets and no parking lots.  We pull the smallest kids and our towels and toys in a red and green wagon for the short walk.  Today was about 90*...we arrived at low tide and the beach was rather smelly.  Today was less of a swimming day and more of an exploration day.  Nicolas did enjoy riding the Boogie Board out into the bay somewhat and Carly and Annika explored the beach looking for rare shells, crabs, horseshoe crab shells and rocks.  Later we discovered Muscles along the Rocky Ledge.   I explained that the seagulls throw the shells against the rocks to open their crabs, muscles and clams.  The children tried it and they burst open. 

I think that our children are fortunate to have each other.  In the picture above, I really marvel at how Nicolas (who is 10 this year) really takes on the role of a Big Brother to Lex and Tyler (who are both 3).  Nicolas is very protective of them and likes to teach these guys about the things he knows and likes...which they happen to really enjoy.  Meanwhile, having that little extra help from Nicolas makes my work so much more manageable...it's like a family.  We all chip in and help each other.  After lunch, Nicolas enjoys reading these guys books...some of which were Nic's own books that he donated when he outgrew them...titles such as "Tonka Town", "Chuck the Tow Truck" and "How-To" books about trucks, cars, trains and planes.  Luckily Lex and Tyler are just as fascinated about Trucks and Trains as Nicolas once was himself.

We have a lot of boys in the group this summer and so Annika is a bit outnumbered on most days.  Our friend Haylee has been limited in her attendance due to her grandmother's extended illness and our other friend Juliette has also cut back hours this summer.  So on this particular day, we had a friend from Annika's School...also she is a neighbor...Carly, to play with us.  The girls get along so well and Carly is extremely joyful and polite.  She is a pleasure to have visit and they all had fun together.  Carly even read books to the boys!  Annika invented a game at the beach where there was a castle and they were attempting to dig the mote just before getting distracted by the Muscles growing in the rocks.

Nicolas and Tyler's pictures look like the same child taken 7 years apart.  Both with their golden hair and tans...it is nice to be out in the sun and fresh air all day.  Being Nicolas' childcare provider since he was 2, I feel very much like a second Mom to him.  Tyler is my nephew...technically my second cousin but that feels wrong, so I call him my nephew.  His Mother, my cousin Danielle, was my favorite chidhood relative.  we played together all the time.  Now our children get to grow up together playing with each other. Lex tells me that Tyler is his best friend.  Today as I was putting him down for his nap, Lex said that he tells Tyler "I love you" and Tyler says "No" but that Lex just keeps saying it.  Tyler may not say it, but he definitely loves his pal Lex.  In fact, all the kids really love one another very much...like a real family.  I am proud of that...and them...and myself for having the courage to create it.

~Namaste

"Adoration"...Why YOU need to be Adored.

When I picture a perfect LOVE...a perfect Love , the beloved is a creature worthy of love and they are Adored by their Admirer.  This Adoration and Love is not merely skin-deep it is everlasting and richly unique, full of the minute details that are easy for others to overlook but lie, as we are told, in the "eye" of the beholder.  I have come to believe, with great research on the subject of Love, that if you are really truly loved then you are adored.  There are plenty of variations of Love...some are of a fleeting emotion of love while some are an enduring love and still others are a neverending type of Love.  Perhaps the Greeks and Latins had it right...their ancient languages have a variety of words to describe more clearly what they intend and desire and what the depth of their desire is.  But here, in the US, we Americans have a warped and backwards perception of Love.  This is my opinion.

As a child, Love was a much saught-after emotional connection.  I very much wanted to feel loved and many times...too many times...I was disappointed for not receiving what I was seeking.  A child will misbehave and do many things, including self-hating behaviors in order to satiate the desire for love.  This describes my childhood.  As a teenager, here in the US...in my life...I discovered that Boys and Men noticed me.  I was a pretty little teen and I figured out that Boys and Men liked me.  They liked my looks and my attitude.  I did not know then what they really wanted from me or how they really saw me...I only recognized the outside influence...the attention.  I know now what the difference is between ATTENTION and LOVE.  Getting inside the TRUTH of this situation takes a great deal of trust and self-understanding...something most young people are not learning.  No one ever told me to trust my intuition or to esteem myself highly or to wait!  No one ever said to me, "Angel...don't have sex....WAIT. " .  And so the first smooth-talking boy who won me over by giving me attention that I never got, was easily able to convince me that my value suddenly appeared when my clothes were off.  Thankfully, I now understand the truth.  And on a finer point on this subject...women need to trust other women to be their guides and confidants on this journey.  I understand that now.  Some women have said to me that they do not trust other women....it is the MEN you should not be trusting!  Obviously trust them in business and certain circles but if you are a woman and do not have strong female leadership in your life...FIND SOME.

Here is why you need to be adored...I am going to spell it out.  YOU are WORTHY of GREAT things.  Everytime you lessen your value or "stoop" to a low level or violate your conscience, you are damaging that self image and it will take a LONG time to repair when it is lost or a longer time still if you never had it.  I have said this in previous Blogs of mine, but I will repeat it:  I have no idea how I got here in one piece.  I have no idea how I am still here.  I am grateful to have this time to realize what my life is supposed to be like and what I am destined for.  My gratitude IS my LOVER.  My gratitude never lets me down...never disappoints...never fails.  My Gratitude is my grace and allows me to heal.  My gratitude has given me more blessings then any person, any fullfilled wish, any child, any gift or talent, has ever done.  My gratitude gives me abundant health and healing from illnesses of the body and mind.  By being grateful and living a life of gratitude where I concentrate, focus and meditate on what is good and ignore all that is bad, negative and evil, I have healed myself.  I am not healing...I am healed.  I no longer suffer from low self-esteem.  Gratitude is free...it comes freely to those who are willing to use it's amazing power.  When I call on gratitude in the depths of my despair, it is always present...always.

Knowing that you are worthy...yes YOU...not me, although I AM, but YOU...this should give you peace.  If you feel you are not worthy of Love and of being adored then ask yourself why?  For what reason?  Isolate the cause of that reason...and then fix it.  Fix it by forgiving yourself and asking others to forgive you if need be.  Then spend time in meditation to discover how to overcome it.  And lastly, ACT.  Do the things you need to do to fix this self-hate.  I keep my Blog so that I can review my patterns and see my growth.  There are many great things I discover re-reading.  There are things I need to work on still.  Rhonda Byrne and The Secret/The Power have been a major influence toward this thinking.  A friend of mine recently said, "The Secret is a good book but trust yourself too".  I told her that although reading the Secret taught me this Secret...I did not stop reading there...I read much more on this subject and other related subjects.  In another Blog I will share about the many sources of literary inspiration I have combined to develop MY PHILOSOPHY.  I surround myself with wisdom from many unconnected sources.  I refuse to accept that one source has collaborated all the wisdom I will ever need to know in life and therefore, I enjoy finding the discovery myself.  I have been researching Love, Life and Spirituality since I was old enough to read and that search will continue until I pass from this life.

Adore yourself.  Start there.  Adore you the way you wish to be adored.  If you are a man reading this, I must apologize because I do not know if all this is true for men, but for those of us with vaginas, it is accurate and beneficial.  A woman, a teenage girl and a young girl ALL must learn to love themselves, know who they are and what they like and what they desire BEFORE they enter into a serious relationship with a man.  IF they do this...they have a chance at being successful.  Even there it is a small chance.  A woman does not look at herself and think derogatory things like the type of mental process a drooling male has.  Men are likely to see her as a sex object to give him pleasure.  A woman needs to know her value so that she can train the neanderthol man to see it too.  After this has been established, if there is a connection still...if he can really truly come to adore her, then they may stand a chance at love...at everlasting and real LOVE.  There is a story in the bible that I cannot help but refer to here.  I draw my inspiration from so many places...the Bible may seem to be an unlikely one for me, but it is an old testament story.  This was the story of Rebecca and Jacob in the book of Genesis.

http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/bible-stories-about-love-5-encouraging-scripture-summaries/
"After Jacob ran away from his brother Esau, he went to live with his mother’s family in Haran. While looking for his uncle Laban, Jacob met Rachel, Laban’s daughter. She was caring for her father’s sheep. Rachel took Jacob to Laban who gave Jacob a job and a place to stay.
Jacob negotiated with Laban to work for him for seven years. In return Laban would give his daughter Rachel to Jacob as his wife. The Bible says in Genesis 29:20, “And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.” "


This illustration from the Bible has always made a major impact on my beliefs about worthiness in Love and about demonstrating faith and eliminating doubt in Love.  How can anyone truly KNOW they are Loved and Adored without an Act of Faith being shown?  I suppose most people feel that their men have shown that when they have proposed or married them.  Some believe it has been shown much sooner.  I myself have been reviewing my laundry list of Loves from my past to see what I believe was really going on in each relationship.  It has been an interesting task that I will elaborate on in a later Blog.  In an interesting twist, I later found a book wherein the main character needs to go back and talk to these people from the past so that she can close the door and feel free to move forward.  I am not a believer that we need to go back and talk to people from our pasts...in some instances we just need to reflect upon them and come to understand the person and the behavior.  I actually would NEVER advise going back and trying to rehash what went on in past relationships...just ask yourself...the answer is in you. 

So now you may be looking for Love...a relationship, or you may be (like me) in a very messed up relationship with someone but bound to them by responsibility.  No matter where you live, or what your career or how old you are, it is normal to be searching for love.  I know that my heart is still searching for perfect Love.  It would be great if  I could discover that what I am really hoping for...that REAL Love is here in my relationship now and just needs to be cultivated.  However, there is a chance it is not.  I have accepted both possibilities and I have done one better...I have put myself on the pedestal.  I Love myself.  I have taken the time to woo myself...find out what I like...learn what my favorite things are.  I made a list, like a love list...what do I LOVE?

Name:  AngelMarie VanGyzen
Age:  36
Favorite Flower:  Lilacs for Fragrance, Tiger Lillies for appearance
I Prefer quiet times spent in reading, writing, meditation, research, gardening, communing with nature or visiting with friends.
I Enjoy Theatre, movies, tv, live music, exercise (especially walking and sports), eating and creating a meal or Event together
I despise phoniness, liars, greed, over-materialism, lack of respect for people or nature.  I stay away from negative talk, gossip and anger
I Love to eat Italian Food...spicy food and delicious things of all sorts.  I Love to be with my kids.  I love to sleep, especially with the sun on my face.  I do NOT like to fly but I Love to travel.

I put myself on the pedestal to adore myself.  I take care of my body...looking for the things it needs not because I hate what I look like and want to punish myself but because I know the benefits.  I recognize that I have to improve my health to live a longer life.  I realize that if I do not do it, no one else will.  I care for myself now the way I care for my children and I encourage others to do it.  I adore ME.  I ADORE me. I...adore....me.

~namaste