Finding truth...THE TRUTH...is a quest of mine. It is a life quest for me. I know now that there are plenty of truths and lies to go around. So my focus this last half-year has been to sharpen my intuitive abilities, which at one time in my life were very strong and were lost for a while. I have done what I needed...acquired the sight (as it were) and now I find myself able to analyze and figure things out much more quickly. I wish I could quantify that skill...market it...or make myself marketable with it. But for those who know me well, they are aware of it and can count on me to express astute judgement. My one shortcoming that would ruin good judgement: impatience. I can be impatient when I strongly desire something.
So finding the truth....one of the many truths. I want to discuss that today. People say so many things. Fortunately I do not believe most of what people tell me and I no longer consider it a fault of any person with whatever they say. I realize many influences are at work upon us all in this world. We are subjects of this life and it's many difficulties. Our lives are intended to be beautiful and perfect. But of course, there is plenty to affect the achievement of that perfection. There is poverty, famine, illness and maleficence in the world all around us. We must choose not to give it more power than it has. I turn away. I refuse to look at it, think about it or infuse it with any of my life energy. Working with children gives me an easy escape from many of life's evils. Children are NOT evil, and therefore, I am blessed to spend my day among them.
Someone told me a story yesterday and it really made my heart ache. My chest hurts now thinking of it as a matter of fact. I heard about a man who inspired others. He seemed pretty great. He lifted the poor of spirit and elevated them...he encouraged people to be better. I bet he even was a musician. But he had a darkness in him that he never healed and so he took his life. I sometimes feel like that is me. No one would ever suspect it...that I could think of taking my own life. I constantly encourage and share and smile and celebrate and create...but what about that lingering sadness? It needs healing. I am a little upset because I suddenly recognize that I still need healing. I thought I was great. But then I heard that story and I felt sick about myself. I saw a mirror. I saw me.
Many people do what I have done to try and heal themselves. They stuff their sorrows way down into themselves and hope it disappears. But it only hides. It reappears at a later time. My life has had many sad events, disruptions and disappointments. I don't need to wallow in them, but I would like to really heal. I have decided I need to. I may even need to see a professional for help with it, but for now, I need to open my heart and allow it to come. That is phase one. My friend who shared that story with me made a point about gratitude. Gratitude is the great healer. Gratitude is the only way to elevate yourself. So phase two is to surrender to complete gratitude. Showing and feeling that I am GLAD I survived...I am glad I made it this far...I have SO MUCH that I maybe would not have had if not been for whatever turn I took in the road that brought me here. And what about all the people in my life? I love them all. I truly do. But I NEVER show it...so caught up in my dream world.
I can barely share these thoughts, because they are bringing up so much emotion that I am writing through my tears. I have a wonderful life. If I have this and nothing more, I have got alot. I do not want what others have...and I do not desire to take it away from them. I do not despise what I have...nor want to lose it. Anything that needs to be changed, altered or fixed is my present work, and I must be dutiful but grateful. People say a lot of things. It can be very confusing. I choose to listen to my inner voice. I will listen to you, as long as you do not preach. you are not here to teach me, but if you DO...you have done it by your example. And I hope I have too.
~namaste
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