I must be getting old. I used to love changes and variety. Suddenly they scare me. I fear the unknown. The past three weeks of my life, there were a series of events which I wish to diagnose and ponder. In the mindset of The Law of Attraction, I am attempting to find the meaning of these events. Did I bring hardship to myself or is there a blessing in the greater scheme of everything which I ought to glean from the situation? It all began last month when I decided to accept a PT job with my former employer AAA. I was very set on it. Very sure of it. I was hired at a comfortable payrate and the job will be temporary so I have the flexibilty I need in spring of 2011. as it would turn out, on the very day of my important drug test for employment, our van would not start, requiring 2 AAA services. Ironic, I thought at the time, but remained optimistic. Didi happened to come by and brought me for the test. Helen from AAA called the same day to confirm my start date- everything was all set for me to begin my job training.
So November 29th, a Monday, I arrived, but late, for my training after a difficult coverage arrangement for the daycare. I was not discouraged. I remained enthusiastic. My sister Jessica's family/home problems were not mine, after all. she did her best and also she allowed me to use her car...had she not I would have been without transportation to start my training at all! But by Wednesday, the daycare was already flailing in the absence of my usual authoritativeness and leadership. At Midnight, overnight leading into wednesday, both of my children were projectile vomiting. This proceeded to run through my house and the daycare, affecting everyone but me. I remained optimistic however, because my Wednesday rides fell into place easily...very easily.
On Friday, however, things began to really weigh on me. Our car was unfixable and we had it towed home. We were using a rental while waiting for our AAA Gold card to arrive so we could tow it to Somerset for my Father to have a look at it. I had band rehearsal that night and no ride but Lauren had promised to help with that. suddenly, the car I am borrowing from my best friend Danielle gets a flat on Rt 95! she has no spare so now I have another "problem" to fix. I still remained optimistic- eager to help my friend who has been so courteous to allow us to use her vehicle with no question...I was a little bit glad to do it...It cost $100 for the tire and several hours for the tow/service...finally I got home ...made it to rehearsal...sounded brilliant...excited about performing again...trying to see the silver linings. That saturday was Annika's sleepover birthday party and my chaperone assistant Danielle suddenly developed the virus..vomitting. So I went it alone. It turned out to be great.
As the following week began, my Monday coverage, my sister was attempting to back out. AS I mentioned, she herself was having personal issues. I begged her not to leave me with no help. I believed AAA would honestly fire me if I did not show. She arrived, but late- which made me late by 10 minutes...apparently the most important ten minutes of my two-week training because my instructor was very unpleased with me. I tried to shrug off the insult and concentrate but it was at this time that I realized I myself was very nauseated and irritable and exhausted. I was also having abdominal pains. Tuesday the pains and nausea was worse. wednesday I was doubled-over, but not vomiting so I knew that whatever was affecting me was something different from the virus that hit the rest of the family. Because of training and no vehicle, I had no choice but to put off seeking medical help until the evening, when I ended up at the Kent hospital ER with a bladder/ kidney infection.
I managed to complete my training and we all stayed as optimistic as possible. we had a family gathering and put up our Xmas tree on Saturday and then a frustrating Sunday after I sang in church. I got my wonderful computer and printer as an early Xmas gift...then Monday afternoon I learned that the van was basically little more than scrapmetal. From there it has been a race for a new used car. And when I say used I mean really old! Oh well...tomorrow is another day to forge ahead..and to write...and share...
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Making time to write
Lately I am getting a taste of what it feels like to be extremely busy. Having children always makes things complicated because they must come first. What they need has to get taken care of. At least in my world it does. I cannot neglect them or deprive them of the attention I desire to give them. They come first for me. This afternoon was the usual battle with my daughter who is nine. The difference was that instead of being home all day and ready to take on her need with refreshed energy, I had just come off a long shift at AAA and I was exhausted, my feet hurt- I just wanted dinner to be cooked and ready. Long story short, it wasn't. So as I attended to the making of the elusive dinner I also coached my daughter about what she ought to be doing.
Recently I have been allowing Annika to take Guitar lessons with a friend of mine who plays guitar. They both enjoy the experience but, as anyone who knows a child or has a child in their life knows, my daughter is somewhat lazy and difficult to motivate. She sulked with her guitar in hand for the twenty minutes it took for me to prepare a meal. I set the table and everytime I returned to the kitchen, there she was sulking and flicking away at the strings. I take solace in knowing that I am not alone. I just kept thinking that if I had more time or a desire to spend an extra $20 per week on myself I would learn the instrument myself! I would love to! But of course, we are trying to think of our children and so we sacrifice and encourage them to try...actually, I nag.
But my recent re-hire to AAA has made me realize as a reminder I suppose, of the challenge of getting "back" into something as opposed to having stayed with it in the first place. Music and performing were my whole life for a while. I lost that at some turn of the road and I still feel lost without it in my life. I have friends who are still musical and I always feel like I need someone else to help me create music. I need to feel more whole about it. Maybe I will learn to play guitar myself. Yeah. Maybe that is what I need to do. For me.
Recently I have been allowing Annika to take Guitar lessons with a friend of mine who plays guitar. They both enjoy the experience but, as anyone who knows a child or has a child in their life knows, my daughter is somewhat lazy and difficult to motivate. She sulked with her guitar in hand for the twenty minutes it took for me to prepare a meal. I set the table and everytime I returned to the kitchen, there she was sulking and flicking away at the strings. I take solace in knowing that I am not alone. I just kept thinking that if I had more time or a desire to spend an extra $20 per week on myself I would learn the instrument myself! I would love to! But of course, we are trying to think of our children and so we sacrifice and encourage them to try...actually, I nag.
But my recent re-hire to AAA has made me realize as a reminder I suppose, of the challenge of getting "back" into something as opposed to having stayed with it in the first place. Music and performing were my whole life for a while. I lost that at some turn of the road and I still feel lost without it in my life. I have friends who are still musical and I always feel like I need someone else to help me create music. I need to feel more whole about it. Maybe I will learn to play guitar myself. Yeah. Maybe that is what I need to do. For me.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
~My Zephyr~
He is my Zephyr, now and forever and will always give me peace. I receive his message not on the phone or inbox but in ways more personal and impossible to breach. I love my Zephyr...my one and only zephyr. When I feel and smell it I know he is there. California, and a sandy desert, and a roller skating rink and so much more. The sound of his voice has changed from before but he is gone no more. He has come back to me.
My Zephyr has delivered me new brothers and sons...men and boys of all shapes and distinctions. They are all a part of him and a part of me and I love them all. They are sweeter than ice cream and cookies and chocolate milk. I adore them. My delivered treasures...my joys...my hopes. Thank you my Zephyr. RIP.
My Zephyr has delivered me new brothers and sons...men and boys of all shapes and distinctions. They are all a part of him and a part of me and I love them all. They are sweeter than ice cream and cookies and chocolate milk. I adore them. My delivered treasures...my joys...my hopes. Thank you my Zephyr. RIP.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
~ Body...Mind...Spirit~
Today's theme is exercise. Exercising the body, mind and spirit everyday...yes, I said EVERYDAY...I am not yelling...let me just repeat it once more: Every Single Day. It must be a part of your very soul...the fiber of your being. you must love and adore yourself: your body (the temple)...your Mind (the engine) and your Spirit (the substance of life). I have goals and specific routines for these. At present I am working on a number of personal improvements pertaining to this short list. I am devouted to loving myself. You must, because if you do not Love yourself you cannot and will not love others. If you cannot honestly face your true desires and feelings and understand them you cannot have healthy relationships with other people...and this you must do.
I exercise daily. To start with, I have a physical job, which is a good start. I go out of my way to perform my chores and work-related tasks in a manner that requires me to exert more physical energy. By the end of my day, I have really given my all and I am tired. I sleep very well- I never suffer from insomnia. I walk, meditate and do yoga. I also bellydance for extra toning and cardio...not to mention it is improving muscle strength, stamina and coordination. Most importantly, I have fun with each of these exercises. David brought me home a bike yesterday. I look forward to getting back into bike riding! I even plan to take my daughter roller skating. My best friend seems to like blading so maybe by next summer she and I can do that more often. We definitely need to look into RockWall climbing...I want to start doing that on a regular basis too.
The meditation and visualization, combined with a positive lifestyle and outlook is essential. In the past week or two, I have been slipping in this area...I need to visualize my goals everyday or they will not come to me. However, with that being said...I have had many blessings as a result of my natural manifestation abilities...these things happen without my even trying to make it happen. I acquired a bike, had my computer serviced, deposited a huge check to start a new savings account, bought new clothes in a smaller size, created a plan to pay-down my debt, got a piece of silver jewelry, bonded with friends I have drifted apart from, acquired the part-time job I wanted, got all the help I needed to cover 2 weeks of training and also a sitter for the first weekend I start my new job. I got free cell phone minutes, a $100 Bridal gift card, a $50 Aaron's discount card and so much more...I feel these things bear documenting because they are truly wonderful and I am blessed. This is because I love myself, and I love others. I know what I want and I see it clearly. Now I am working to manifest a good car by June of 2011.
As for the mind. It seems that exercise, dieting and meditation clears the mind and allows it to work better. I find wisdom in the most common things and I feel much more in control of my emotions, attitudes and behavior. I am controlling my impulses better than I ever have. I do not cheat on my diet, even when it is hard. I am calm and patient with my own children and the daycare children. I can clearly see what everyone around me needs and desires and I try to give it to them as much as I can. I feel things deeply and I share in everyone around me's happiness and pleasure. I feel more devoted, more loving, smarter, more capable...best of all, I see myself having fewer boundaries and fewer limitations then ever before. I believe things are possible: All Things.
I exercise daily. To start with, I have a physical job, which is a good start. I go out of my way to perform my chores and work-related tasks in a manner that requires me to exert more physical energy. By the end of my day, I have really given my all and I am tired. I sleep very well- I never suffer from insomnia. I walk, meditate and do yoga. I also bellydance for extra toning and cardio...not to mention it is improving muscle strength, stamina and coordination. Most importantly, I have fun with each of these exercises. David brought me home a bike yesterday. I look forward to getting back into bike riding! I even plan to take my daughter roller skating. My best friend seems to like blading so maybe by next summer she and I can do that more often. We definitely need to look into RockWall climbing...I want to start doing that on a regular basis too.
The meditation and visualization, combined with a positive lifestyle and outlook is essential. In the past week or two, I have been slipping in this area...I need to visualize my goals everyday or they will not come to me. However, with that being said...I have had many blessings as a result of my natural manifestation abilities...these things happen without my even trying to make it happen. I acquired a bike, had my computer serviced, deposited a huge check to start a new savings account, bought new clothes in a smaller size, created a plan to pay-down my debt, got a piece of silver jewelry, bonded with friends I have drifted apart from, acquired the part-time job I wanted, got all the help I needed to cover 2 weeks of training and also a sitter for the first weekend I start my new job. I got free cell phone minutes, a $100 Bridal gift card, a $50 Aaron's discount card and so much more...I feel these things bear documenting because they are truly wonderful and I am blessed. This is because I love myself, and I love others. I know what I want and I see it clearly. Now I am working to manifest a good car by June of 2011.
As for the mind. It seems that exercise, dieting and meditation clears the mind and allows it to work better. I find wisdom in the most common things and I feel much more in control of my emotions, attitudes and behavior. I am controlling my impulses better than I ever have. I do not cheat on my diet, even when it is hard. I am calm and patient with my own children and the daycare children. I can clearly see what everyone around me needs and desires and I try to give it to them as much as I can. I feel things deeply and I share in everyone around me's happiness and pleasure. I feel more devoted, more loving, smarter, more capable...best of all, I see myself having fewer boundaries and fewer limitations then ever before. I believe things are possible: All Things.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Losing
In general, I hate to lose. I have never met a person who felt otherwise. Does anyone like to lose? Some of us have a higher tolerance for it than others. My study of the Law of Attraction has taught me that there really is no such thing as losing or loss...all things come to us if we desire them strongly enough. Huh...I had to stop and ponder that a moment. Some of the things I want right now cannot come to me until I purge the unwanted.,..creating a space for that which I desire to come into...too vague? Well, I am afraid I must be. I must guard my heart. But one area I do not mind sharing about is weight loss. I desire to lose...a lot. It is hard work and the pounds are resistant. The same is true of the other things I desire to lose. They cling to me like a bad habit that I cannot break.
I feel safe when I analyze my future from inside of my head...but once I try to create my inner world on the outside, I am experiencing some difficulties. What I manifest must be what is best for everyone and therefore I feel burdened with my selfish desires...I keep trying to cast them aside. I must start feeling happy about my ability to make the situation good for all parties...then I can and will be blessed! But try as I am, I am finding it more than a challenge. It is a complete roadblock. My energy is blocked. Writing about these subjects brings me a great deal of clarity. Also, my daily meditations and yoga do as well. I believe that we ought to have the things we love in our lives and as close to us as we wish them to be. Why should we always have to sacrifice that? Why do we have to tell ourselves it's bad? If someone or something makes me happy, I want them to be near. If someone or something makes me sad, I want them to be far. Seems simple to me.
So if thoughts become things, then I am bringing my desires close. The trouble is the unwanted stuff. I have to "clean house" in a matter of speaking. I have to continue to meditate and pray for clarity from the universe. Namaste.
I feel safe when I analyze my future from inside of my head...but once I try to create my inner world on the outside, I am experiencing some difficulties. What I manifest must be what is best for everyone and therefore I feel burdened with my selfish desires...I keep trying to cast them aside. I must start feeling happy about my ability to make the situation good for all parties...then I can and will be blessed! But try as I am, I am finding it more than a challenge. It is a complete roadblock. My energy is blocked. Writing about these subjects brings me a great deal of clarity. Also, my daily meditations and yoga do as well. I believe that we ought to have the things we love in our lives and as close to us as we wish them to be. Why should we always have to sacrifice that? Why do we have to tell ourselves it's bad? If someone or something makes me happy, I want them to be near. If someone or something makes me sad, I want them to be far. Seems simple to me.
So if thoughts become things, then I am bringing my desires close. The trouble is the unwanted stuff. I have to "clean house" in a matter of speaking. I have to continue to meditate and pray for clarity from the universe. Namaste.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
The Psychology of a Harry Potter fan
I am a huge fan of the Harry Potter book series by JK Rowling. To say that I am a fan makes me feel less devoted. I have waited in line at midnight on 3 occassions for a book release and then begun reading the book in the parking lot before going home to stay up reading throughout the night and into the morning.I have waited in line for hours to meet Jason Isaaks ( OMG I love that guy!!). I have cancelled my plans for the weekend in order to read it. As far as the movies go...I have fought mobs and grabbed prime seating, hired babysitters...basically I have made sure I got a piece of the action at any cost. And this week- Thursday at midnight, "DeathlyHallows" will be showing. I will not be there as is my custom. I have even altered my plans for Friday night when I was going to see it. I guess I am starting to grow up now and so I must realize that I cannot drop everything to go see what I know will be a great film.
I am no spoiler so I will not disclose the storyline, but it will be deep. There will be drama, death and love. There will be romance. It will be great! Harry is the kind of character who really makes you re-examine yourself. But he is not alone. He has this amazing group of people around him. Each has their own depth and wisdom and cheekiness to them. Hermione is the nerdy brilliant one. Most of us have a Hermione in our lives...loyal to a fault and committed to doing things the right way. I adore her character. I want to be more like Hermione. Ron is the charming underdog who is devilishly handsome and knows all the ins-and-outs of the wizarding life but he always feels on the outside because his parents lack status. The romance between Hermione and Ron is completely pure. I love it! Harry and Ginny...well like I said, no spoilers- but Ginny is a testament to the fact that someone younger than us can have amazing strength and wisdom and ought to be provided the opportunities they need to shine.
So that leaves us Harry. He is a hero and he has been hated and loved in equal measure. He has has goodness and darkness within him and he has not always done the right thing. He lives by his gut. His instincts. That's what I love about Harry. He really has nothing to lose. This is a guy whose friends ARE his family. He needs them and loves them desperately. It really is a love story and a triumph, to be Harry Potter. My favorite though, in the entire series, is not a character but the entire Weasley family. Even Percy (no spoliers)...I have a crush on the twins. They are adorable. They are smart and gifted with magic. They excel at everything, take all things lightly and help everyone they can. They are the most benevolent and under-rated characters in the book. Mrs. Weasley must be a leo (like me)...because she is fierce when provoked and will defend her children and family to the death. No one should ever under-estimate the strength of a mother- she is a Lioness- she is Magnificent. Her fury is powerful...I really feel her. She will be impressive in the last movie.
To summarize...this was not a book report. Just trying to clear my head. I have learned so much from the books and the movies, the characters...I am a sociologist at heart so I cannot help but to study these people closely...they are like an extension of my own family.
I am no spoiler so I will not disclose the storyline, but it will be deep. There will be drama, death and love. There will be romance. It will be great! Harry is the kind of character who really makes you re-examine yourself. But he is not alone. He has this amazing group of people around him. Each has their own depth and wisdom and cheekiness to them. Hermione is the nerdy brilliant one. Most of us have a Hermione in our lives...loyal to a fault and committed to doing things the right way. I adore her character. I want to be more like Hermione. Ron is the charming underdog who is devilishly handsome and knows all the ins-and-outs of the wizarding life but he always feels on the outside because his parents lack status. The romance between Hermione and Ron is completely pure. I love it! Harry and Ginny...well like I said, no spoilers- but Ginny is a testament to the fact that someone younger than us can have amazing strength and wisdom and ought to be provided the opportunities they need to shine.
So that leaves us Harry. He is a hero and he has been hated and loved in equal measure. He has has goodness and darkness within him and he has not always done the right thing. He lives by his gut. His instincts. That's what I love about Harry. He really has nothing to lose. This is a guy whose friends ARE his family. He needs them and loves them desperately. It really is a love story and a triumph, to be Harry Potter. My favorite though, in the entire series, is not a character but the entire Weasley family. Even Percy (no spoliers)...I have a crush on the twins. They are adorable. They are smart and gifted with magic. They excel at everything, take all things lightly and help everyone they can. They are the most benevolent and under-rated characters in the book. Mrs. Weasley must be a leo (like me)...because she is fierce when provoked and will defend her children and family to the death. No one should ever under-estimate the strength of a mother- she is a Lioness- she is Magnificent. Her fury is powerful...I really feel her. She will be impressive in the last movie.
To summarize...this was not a book report. Just trying to clear my head. I have learned so much from the books and the movies, the characters...I am a sociologist at heart so I cannot help but to study these people closely...they are like an extension of my own family.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Never you mind
(Tori Amos)
I won't keep chasing you but I will keep wanting to
driving me crazy with curiosity
wonder what you are thinking and what you are doing
if you are going or coming
you should not have the power to control me like you do
something about you is a mystery here
what brought you into my line of vision to begin with?
and why did I keep you in sight?
Years have passed and I still wonder about you all the time
all day and all night too
I find little ways to follow your life and know you as I want to
but the truth is I know very little about you
I know you love sports and I know you love music, as everyone does
I know you are gifted and smart and professional
You have your shit together...a quality I admire and desire in equal measure
but why do I care at all?
I envy your freedom- you are not bound by anyone or anything... you are wise
wiser than I but younger and more carefree
You do not pine for someone or something but you live each moment your way.
I wish for this to be my way...I strive every day to achieve it
I just want more out of life...more money, more love, more opportunity, more happiness
and I am less than satisfied
I want to be pined for, adored and treasured like that...by you or by anyone
Maybe you are all just the same to me
One is like the next and like the next...And so I must choose and be satiated
but my heart is a constant wanderer and finds solice in you at a distance...
perhaps you are exactly where you belong afterall.
I won't keep chasing you but I will keep wanting to
driving me crazy with curiosity
wonder what you are thinking and what you are doing
if you are going or coming
you should not have the power to control me like you do
something about you is a mystery here
what brought you into my line of vision to begin with?
and why did I keep you in sight?
Years have passed and I still wonder about you all the time
all day and all night too
I find little ways to follow your life and know you as I want to
but the truth is I know very little about you
I know you love sports and I know you love music, as everyone does
I know you are gifted and smart and professional
You have your shit together...a quality I admire and desire in equal measure
but why do I care at all?
I envy your freedom- you are not bound by anyone or anything... you are wise
wiser than I but younger and more carefree
You do not pine for someone or something but you live each moment your way.
I wish for this to be my way...I strive every day to achieve it
I just want more out of life...more money, more love, more opportunity, more happiness
and I am less than satisfied
I want to be pined for, adored and treasured like that...by you or by anyone
Maybe you are all just the same to me
One is like the next and like the next...And so I must choose and be satiated
but my heart is a constant wanderer and finds solice in you at a distance...
perhaps you are exactly where you belong afterall.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
~Ode to a Veteran~
I have called him Brother...John...little John...Buddy...little Buddy. We were on the verge of having the kind of relationship that was more of a friendship. He was gone so fast. SO FAST. I will never forget the morning of July 4th. It was 9am and David and I were lying in bed- it was a Sunday morning. Annika was still sleeping and we were just watching the news. The phone rang and when David answered he began to say Hello hello repeatedly. I snatched the phone and reprimanded him. When John called from Iraq there was always a delay of about 15 seconds. As I had figured, it was him...I was thrilled to hear from him. We spoke briefly. He was cryptic...he was about to go on a mission which he knew may be dangerous. He did not elaborate but told me how he felt about our freedom in this country...it was an enriching talk. We made plans to see each other in September when he was set to return home. Instead- we were never to see one another again.
John did return home several weeks later but not in the way he ought to have. He came home in a box. He was a broken body. He was a Veteran, KIA. He was Honorably Discharged...a term that brought my poor father to his knees in tears. Seeing my Dad cry like that was one of the only times I cried in front of anybody throughout the entire ordeal. I just couldn't let those tears come. I just felt numb. Like the Linkin Park song- an anthem to that period in my life because that was really how it felt- numbing. John was killed on July 5th. Only about 12 hours after he spoke to me. I was the last one in our family to hear from him. The Marines had to form a line to use the phone and so when it was their turn, they only got one call. On that day, I was the one. I wish that made me feel better.
Honorably discharged...Lance Corporal...little brother...veteran of a foreign war. I was given the privelege of delivering the Eulogy at my kid brother's funeral. It was an experience I had never wished for, ever. But I felt a duty to do it. The morning we arranged the program I shocked my family and the minister by reading the Eulogy to them so there would be no surprises on that day. What they did not know was that Part of the Eulogy would be in song. When I stopped speaking and suddenly began to sing, I heard sounds of general weeping from the entire family. I was not trying to cause them to suffer- I just wanted them to let go of the pain and feel the loss as they ought to. He was gone. Not to be forgotten. To be loved. He was loved. Always was spoiled- the baby of the family.
Hold me when I'm here
right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
I won't always be there
so Love me when I'm Gone....
RIP my sweet brother. I will always remember you for being a beautiful child and an amazing man. Forever my Hero. I miss you like crazy.
XXOO
John did return home several weeks later but not in the way he ought to have. He came home in a box. He was a broken body. He was a Veteran, KIA. He was Honorably Discharged...a term that brought my poor father to his knees in tears. Seeing my Dad cry like that was one of the only times I cried in front of anybody throughout the entire ordeal. I just couldn't let those tears come. I just felt numb. Like the Linkin Park song- an anthem to that period in my life because that was really how it felt- numbing. John was killed on July 5th. Only about 12 hours after he spoke to me. I was the last one in our family to hear from him. The Marines had to form a line to use the phone and so when it was their turn, they only got one call. On that day, I was the one. I wish that made me feel better.
Honorably discharged...Lance Corporal...little brother...veteran of a foreign war. I was given the privelege of delivering the Eulogy at my kid brother's funeral. It was an experience I had never wished for, ever. But I felt a duty to do it. The morning we arranged the program I shocked my family and the minister by reading the Eulogy to them so there would be no surprises on that day. What they did not know was that Part of the Eulogy would be in song. When I stopped speaking and suddenly began to sing, I heard sounds of general weeping from the entire family. I was not trying to cause them to suffer- I just wanted them to let go of the pain and feel the loss as they ought to. He was gone. Not to be forgotten. To be loved. He was loved. Always was spoiled- the baby of the family.
Hold me when I'm here
right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
I won't always be there
so Love me when I'm Gone....
RIP my sweet brother. I will always remember you for being a beautiful child and an amazing man. Forever my Hero. I miss you like crazy.
XXOO
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
~Wednesday Again~
Today I am not sure what to write about but since I am an educator I know what I must tell myself. What I would say to my students is that they should just simply start...write anything that comes to mind. Anything is better than nothing and usually leads to more thoughts. As I write, my thoughts swirl about much faster than I can get them down on paper. See- half a paragraph already! This marks a week since I began my blog, which is why I named it as I did. Wednesdays are busy for me. I have a very active afternoon group each Wednesday and today I have an equally busy morning group. My friend Danielle has dropped by and is quietly attending to her College schoolwork downstairs while I am writing. She has made me feel so happy by coming by today. Having a true friend means the world to me and she is my Best Friend.
Maybe I should write about that. Having a Best Friend. It is something I have been trying to have my whole life but have never made the connection before with my past friends. In each instance I would have a best friend for a period of time and then we would drift apart. I do not retain freindships from my childhood and mostly because in my youth, my family was unstable and we moved a lot. In one instance I can recall a friend I adored but she was a pathalogical liar and it just became too hard. She never lied to me about things that would hurt me- NO- she was very very loyal. I still miss her. But she is the only one I can say I miss terribly. We were children together, girls. We discovered boys together. She knew me when I lost my virginity , and I her.
But at present I will say that I have truly found a soul mate in Danielle. We never bicker. We support one another and we do speak honestly even if the other person may not like hearing what we are saying...the important thing is that we say it out of love and she and I always speak to each other with gentleness and respect at all times. I love her demeanor. She is unselfish with me. She shares her life, her feelings and her experiences with me. When I go anywhere and I think of who I would like to hang out with while I am there, it is always her 100% of the time. Whether it is going to the clubs, dining, travelling or a party,babysitting or to the movies. Danielle is the one I want with me.
My Kids love her too. She is their Danielly and they always want her to babysit or hangout or even sleepover! She gives them the greatest gifts! In fact, she gives ME the greatest gifts. I wish I was half as good at it as her because I give lame gifts. But instead of hating myself for that I shall focus my energy on giving her the type of friendship she deserves- loyalty, loving... and be her biggest fan! I am good at that. Nothing she can ever say would change my admiration or love for her. Sorry Dani! You are stuck with me for life!
Maybe I should write about that. Having a Best Friend. It is something I have been trying to have my whole life but have never made the connection before with my past friends. In each instance I would have a best friend for a period of time and then we would drift apart. I do not retain freindships from my childhood and mostly because in my youth, my family was unstable and we moved a lot. In one instance I can recall a friend I adored but she was a pathalogical liar and it just became too hard. She never lied to me about things that would hurt me- NO- she was very very loyal. I still miss her. But she is the only one I can say I miss terribly. We were children together, girls. We discovered boys together. She knew me when I lost my virginity , and I her.
But at present I will say that I have truly found a soul mate in Danielle. We never bicker. We support one another and we do speak honestly even if the other person may not like hearing what we are saying...the important thing is that we say it out of love and she and I always speak to each other with gentleness and respect at all times. I love her demeanor. She is unselfish with me. She shares her life, her feelings and her experiences with me. When I go anywhere and I think of who I would like to hang out with while I am there, it is always her 100% of the time. Whether it is going to the clubs, dining, travelling or a party,babysitting or to the movies. Danielle is the one I want with me.
My Kids love her too. She is their Danielly and they always want her to babysit or hangout or even sleepover! She gives them the greatest gifts! In fact, she gives ME the greatest gifts. I wish I was half as good at it as her because I give lame gifts. But instead of hating myself for that I shall focus my energy on giving her the type of friendship she deserves- loyalty, loving... and be her biggest fan! I am good at that. Nothing she can ever say would change my admiration or love for her. Sorry Dani! You are stuck with me for life!
Monday, November 8, 2010
"Next!"
I find myself saying something a lot lately...two words...a simple expression that comes up in conversation with people from time to time. In my experience, it is usually the truly successful people in life who say this and they say it often..."What's Next?". That's it...what's next? It is a question I exhaust myself with...I fill my time dutifully and without exception I allow space for Creative Expression and Mental imaging and play and rest. But I unfailingly ask myself and people around me this simple question.
I think the importance of the "what's next" mentality is that the question itself creates forward motion. Here is an example. A person falls in love with playing a musical instrument- say, guitar. She thinks it would be great to know how to play it because so few girls do. So she asks herself the question...what's next? She knows instinctively because it is in her heart already that she must Act in accordance with her desires. She must buy herself a guitar, so she does. Now...what's next? She needs lessons. She finds herself an instructor and begins to learn. Some people would stop here...but the inquisitive mind of the successful person would ask...what's next? What else can I do with this? How can I make that which I love into something bigger and better than it already is? Aha! Join a musical group..write some songs...do some amateur gigs...get discovered...get produced..get rich and famous... right?? Where do you want it to go? Where it CAN go and that is the point! Push it as far as it can go and then see what you have made.
In the Bible there is this scripture...it is a new testament verse and full of wisdom. A man has asked a holy person to clear his home of an evil demon which has possessed it. When the demon had been exercised the holy man who had performed the miracle advises the man who was once stricken- "do not leave the home empty, but rather fill it with many good things...lest you wish for this demon to return and reinhabit the house and bring along with him a legion more of his kind". This is exactly the reason to ask the question...what's next? It is precisely what that man ought to have been asking right after he said "Thank You". I feel like this man in my own life. In my experience, the holyman was a woman named Rhonda Byrne who showed me how to rid myself of my own demons. Her book, The Secret, illuminated this for me. I became a woman of pure faith after reading about The Law of Attraction.
You see, if I dissect this scripture and apply it to myself, I see it in a way I never did when I was a Christian in my old Church...when I was seeing it with Christian eyes...I saw it as being about miracles and duty. The miracle was the fastest, simplest and easiest part. It took nothing for a Holy Man to rid a house of demons. It was as easy as blinking his eyes. There was no magic. The harder part- the real challenge was what to do once your slate was wiped clean (so to speak). What's Next? after you have forgiven my sins? What's next after you emptied my house? Now what do I do? The answer is easy enough- make some plans. Believe in them. That is where the real magic is...in manifesting your own destiny. In keeping the demons of your past life from returning.
Some people don't think they have demons or a past life (this is all figurative because I do not believe in hauntings or demons or cleansings). What I am referring to are our failures and mistakes. If we wish for a fresh start in our lives it is as easy as just taking it! You do not need to save yourself or turn to a religion. Just Forgive your own self of your past failures and then believe that you can change your future life starting today. Starting right now in this very instant. I am elevated beyond where I have ever stood based on this principle I now live by. In every moment, I forgive myself and go on to experience greater successes and blessings. I am not alone. Other people who use these principles are experiencing it too. I am the luckiest woman alive because I know these things.
I think the importance of the "what's next" mentality is that the question itself creates forward motion. Here is an example. A person falls in love with playing a musical instrument- say, guitar. She thinks it would be great to know how to play it because so few girls do. So she asks herself the question...what's next? She knows instinctively because it is in her heart already that she must Act in accordance with her desires. She must buy herself a guitar, so she does. Now...what's next? She needs lessons. She finds herself an instructor and begins to learn. Some people would stop here...but the inquisitive mind of the successful person would ask...what's next? What else can I do with this? How can I make that which I love into something bigger and better than it already is? Aha! Join a musical group..write some songs...do some amateur gigs...get discovered...get produced..get rich and famous... right?? Where do you want it to go? Where it CAN go and that is the point! Push it as far as it can go and then see what you have made.
In the Bible there is this scripture...it is a new testament verse and full of wisdom. A man has asked a holy person to clear his home of an evil demon which has possessed it. When the demon had been exercised the holy man who had performed the miracle advises the man who was once stricken- "do not leave the home empty, but rather fill it with many good things...lest you wish for this demon to return and reinhabit the house and bring along with him a legion more of his kind". This is exactly the reason to ask the question...what's next? It is precisely what that man ought to have been asking right after he said "Thank You". I feel like this man in my own life. In my experience, the holyman was a woman named Rhonda Byrne who showed me how to rid myself of my own demons. Her book, The Secret, illuminated this for me. I became a woman of pure faith after reading about The Law of Attraction.
You see, if I dissect this scripture and apply it to myself, I see it in a way I never did when I was a Christian in my old Church...when I was seeing it with Christian eyes...I saw it as being about miracles and duty. The miracle was the fastest, simplest and easiest part. It took nothing for a Holy Man to rid a house of demons. It was as easy as blinking his eyes. There was no magic. The harder part- the real challenge was what to do once your slate was wiped clean (so to speak). What's Next? after you have forgiven my sins? What's next after you emptied my house? Now what do I do? The answer is easy enough- make some plans. Believe in them. That is where the real magic is...in manifesting your own destiny. In keeping the demons of your past life from returning.
Some people don't think they have demons or a past life (this is all figurative because I do not believe in hauntings or demons or cleansings). What I am referring to are our failures and mistakes. If we wish for a fresh start in our lives it is as easy as just taking it! You do not need to save yourself or turn to a religion. Just Forgive your own self of your past failures and then believe that you can change your future life starting today. Starting right now in this very instant. I am elevated beyond where I have ever stood based on this principle I now live by. In every moment, I forgive myself and go on to experience greater successes and blessings. I am not alone. Other people who use these principles are experiencing it too. I am the luckiest woman alive because I know these things.
~Dreams~
"I'll be dreaming my dreams of you. There's nothing I'd rather do." The Cranberries
Lately my dreams have been more vivid than in many years...My sleep is often restless because I neither sleep alone nor do I lack children. My little one gets me up every night at 2:30 or 3:00am. This has been from his infancy and he is now two and a half. I find it difficult to become restful after he awakens me and I become tuned into the other sounds that distract me...David coughing or sniffling or mumbling...Annika snoring and the sound of her mattress squeaking as she moves. She tosses and turns a lot. I miss the sound of my Dog's collar jingling in the night. I felt safer knowing he was there by the back door.
My most vivid dreams actually occur when I am fully lucid and wide awake. They entrance me to the point where I actually believe they are happening or that I am sleeping when I am envisioning them. These are my Visualizations- my hopes and my Manifestations for the future. I hope they are anyway. I earnestly seek to manifest them- my New Home...My Car...My Wealth and Abundance of all the things that life has to offer...My Vacations....My Pure Happiness and Joy. I feel joyful most of the time. I even feel wealthy. I feel in control of circumstances that once made me feel vulnerable: Things like my finance and career, my Marriage relationship and my Friendships and Associations. I no longer wait to see how others will respond in order to decide for myslef how I feel about something. This is freeing for me.
I have the most blessed life. I feel genuinely satsified with my work and my family and my body and my daily activities. Areas where I am working harder to see improve are my personal relationships with David of course (prime) and with clients and customers. I am genuinely at peace about money matters because I see them finally coming under my control...
So my dreams have become my reality. What I was dreaming about 2 months ago is currently my reality...so I have manifested this happier period in my life. What else can I do for myself? What else is my beautiful imagination capable of? Where will it take me tonight? To Sleep...per chance TO DREAM.
Lately my dreams have been more vivid than in many years...My sleep is often restless because I neither sleep alone nor do I lack children. My little one gets me up every night at 2:30 or 3:00am. This has been from his infancy and he is now two and a half. I find it difficult to become restful after he awakens me and I become tuned into the other sounds that distract me...David coughing or sniffling or mumbling...Annika snoring and the sound of her mattress squeaking as she moves. She tosses and turns a lot. I miss the sound of my Dog's collar jingling in the night. I felt safer knowing he was there by the back door.
My most vivid dreams actually occur when I am fully lucid and wide awake. They entrance me to the point where I actually believe they are happening or that I am sleeping when I am envisioning them. These are my Visualizations- my hopes and my Manifestations for the future. I hope they are anyway. I earnestly seek to manifest them- my New Home...My Car...My Wealth and Abundance of all the things that life has to offer...My Vacations....My Pure Happiness and Joy. I feel joyful most of the time. I even feel wealthy. I feel in control of circumstances that once made me feel vulnerable: Things like my finance and career, my Marriage relationship and my Friendships and Associations. I no longer wait to see how others will respond in order to decide for myslef how I feel about something. This is freeing for me.
I have the most blessed life. I feel genuinely satsified with my work and my family and my body and my daily activities. Areas where I am working harder to see improve are my personal relationships with David of course (prime) and with clients and customers. I am genuinely at peace about money matters because I see them finally coming under my control...
So my dreams have become my reality. What I was dreaming about 2 months ago is currently my reality...so I have manifested this happier period in my life. What else can I do for myself? What else is my beautiful imagination capable of? Where will it take me tonight? To Sleep...per chance TO DREAM.
Friday, November 5, 2010
~Presentation of Opportunities~
I did not expect it would be difficult to decide. I set out upon my life's course to land myself many opportunities to do Great Things and to (hopefully) create wealth while doing these. As in so many things, maybe this is just a matter of waiting for the right time for it to explode into fruition! So I saw a presentation yesterday evening at a friend's house and it made me wonder if I even liked the business. I liked the Product. I would be a customer..a consumer. These are essential products. But the thought of working in sales or distribution of the product- even with the promise of free time and high earnings- makes me leary. I am a natural at sales and marketing. But I have often wasted my talents and skills laboring for an organization who failed to appreciate my value to them. Hmmmm...I do not feel a deep connection to the Sales part of the offer.
One thing I have learned from reading "The Secret" and "The Power" is that whatever is being given to you should come naturally and feel comfortable and should not feel like a sacrifice but feel like a blessing. I guess if I have learned anything from this it will be that I really DO want to be a Planner and Coordinator. I crave the creative aspects of the field. I was unsure for a while, wavering a bit...wondering if that was what my heart really LOVED... but it is! I Love Love. I adore Love. On the deepest level of my being I crave Love and everything associated with it. I am mushy and sentimental and weepy (on the inside of course!) But on the exterior, I possess a wealth of wonderful skills and talents. I am organized, disciplined and hard-working. I am open-minded but still always have a plan or two...cannot help but to have a back-up! I want to be side by side with my clients and not above them. I want their desires to be the guiding force for my creative endeavors and my financial growth.
I am a great Cheerleader to people. I see many possible outcomes from one experience. I also see the good in people more than I see the bad. I have hope for them. I have pure joy for them in their happiness. This is why I know I can and will make an impact in this industry!
One thing I have learned from reading "The Secret" and "The Power" is that whatever is being given to you should come naturally and feel comfortable and should not feel like a sacrifice but feel like a blessing. I guess if I have learned anything from this it will be that I really DO want to be a Planner and Coordinator. I crave the creative aspects of the field. I was unsure for a while, wavering a bit...wondering if that was what my heart really LOVED... but it is! I Love Love. I adore Love. On the deepest level of my being I crave Love and everything associated with it. I am mushy and sentimental and weepy (on the inside of course!) But on the exterior, I possess a wealth of wonderful skills and talents. I am organized, disciplined and hard-working. I am open-minded but still always have a plan or two...cannot help but to have a back-up! I want to be side by side with my clients and not above them. I want their desires to be the guiding force for my creative endeavors and my financial growth.
I am a great Cheerleader to people. I see many possible outcomes from one experience. I also see the good in people more than I see the bad. I have hope for them. I have pure joy for them in their happiness. This is why I know I can and will make an impact in this industry!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
~ Love comes Easy~
It is easy to feel the Love on a day like today. The rain is cleansing the earth of yesterdays stressors (if any)...and they are fleeting anyway. The sound of the pattering rainfall ripens my awareness that nature is always around me and filling me from within. The children are happily playing their games as I contemplate my happiness and my joy. Easily altered, these delicate young ones run away and then return. They seek me out for food and comfort. They look for me and call my name. "I am here", I tell them. "I will always be here for you". My assurance is taken with full confidence. They trust me. They ADORE me and I them.
Filling every corner of my home and my house are photos and special items to remind me of my favorite people, places and things. Each treasure is there for my enjoyment perpetually. Each one seeks to please me. They ADORE me and I am treaured by them because they have stayed in my life. My day is like the Ebb and Flow of the mightly Atlantic Ocean- people leave and then return all day long. I am so loved that they cannot stay away from me for long, but earnestly return to me. I am a magnet for their affections and they need my support.
Annika leaves for School on the bus with Nicolas. They return bringing along Haylee and David with them. Sometimes other children from the neighborhood also come to inquire, "may I play?". I love them all and hate to turn them away. Next are the Moms and Dads who come to retrieve their little packages. I have kept them for too long...but I return them with a little more Love in their hearts, more words on their tongue of good things to share....and then Sweety and then Didi and Daly and then Danielle. All come and all leave but they return faithfully and they are mine.
Could there be a happier way to live? I do not know of one. To have a family, and to have friends as I have- there is the joy and happiness everyone craves.
Filling every corner of my home and my house are photos and special items to remind me of my favorite people, places and things. Each treasure is there for my enjoyment perpetually. Each one seeks to please me. They ADORE me and I am treaured by them because they have stayed in my life. My day is like the Ebb and Flow of the mightly Atlantic Ocean- people leave and then return all day long. I am so loved that they cannot stay away from me for long, but earnestly return to me. I am a magnet for their affections and they need my support.
Annika leaves for School on the bus with Nicolas. They return bringing along Haylee and David with them. Sometimes other children from the neighborhood also come to inquire, "may I play?". I love them all and hate to turn them away. Next are the Moms and Dads who come to retrieve their little packages. I have kept them for too long...but I return them with a little more Love in their hearts, more words on their tongue of good things to share....and then Sweety and then Didi and Daly and then Danielle. All come and all leave but they return faithfully and they are mine.
Could there be a happier way to live? I do not know of one. To have a family, and to have friends as I have- there is the joy and happiness everyone craves.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Wednesday
Today is Wednesday and my favorite day of the week. For now, Wednesday represents the day when I experience a tiny lull in my otherwise busy workweek. Every Wednesday morning I am free to do what I like and want, and I do! I do not trouble myself with thoughts of housework (especially laundry) or errands. Instead I allow my mind to wander and my spirit to be lifted. It is the time when I can pursue writing or Yoga or just play with my son.
This is the first Wednesday since my Dog has been in his new home and not here with me. I miss my dog. I wanted the dog and my daughter wanted the dog too, but we had him only from May to November and it just wasn't a good fit for our lifestyle. That sounds selfish, I know. I like to be as free as possible from responsibilities that tie me into a routine. I have 2 children and a daycare in my home so I am already akin to this but I do not desire more of it. In fact, I am attempting to expand my knowledge in other fields of work right now so that I will no longer need to rely on my natural ability with children to provide me with my Bread and Butter (so to speak).
I know you are curious what I mean...I am learning to Plan and Coordinate Events such as Parties and Weddings. There is much higher income to be made in such a field and it allows me to be more creative during my work experience. Also, I love the idea of being able to travel (think of a Destination Wedding at Walt Disney World or Bora-Bora!). My day would consist of meetings with clients and creative tasks of every kind. There is always the contract-writing and price-negotiations with vendors, and also the keeping everybody on track part. I love it all! I am excited by thr thought of it!.
Ultimately, I want the perfect life, which for me involves Love and Romance, family and a beautiful home and car. I also need to have plenty of Fabulous Vacations! I don't ask for much. I want to give back too. I dream of having the kind of financial freedom to establish my own recreation center in whatever community I am living where Seniors, Teens and even Single adults can have Social Opportunities and come together to help one another. Sounds Utopic, right? Of course it does! That's the point! I want a bit of heaven on Earth! And I know, because I have seen it and felt it, that it IS coming....
This is the first Wednesday since my Dog has been in his new home and not here with me. I miss my dog. I wanted the dog and my daughter wanted the dog too, but we had him only from May to November and it just wasn't a good fit for our lifestyle. That sounds selfish, I know. I like to be as free as possible from responsibilities that tie me into a routine. I have 2 children and a daycare in my home so I am already akin to this but I do not desire more of it. In fact, I am attempting to expand my knowledge in other fields of work right now so that I will no longer need to rely on my natural ability with children to provide me with my Bread and Butter (so to speak).
I know you are curious what I mean...I am learning to Plan and Coordinate Events such as Parties and Weddings. There is much higher income to be made in such a field and it allows me to be more creative during my work experience. Also, I love the idea of being able to travel (think of a Destination Wedding at Walt Disney World or Bora-Bora!). My day would consist of meetings with clients and creative tasks of every kind. There is always the contract-writing and price-negotiations with vendors, and also the keeping everybody on track part. I love it all! I am excited by thr thought of it!.
Ultimately, I want the perfect life, which for me involves Love and Romance, family and a beautiful home and car. I also need to have plenty of Fabulous Vacations! I don't ask for much. I want to give back too. I dream of having the kind of financial freedom to establish my own recreation center in whatever community I am living where Seniors, Teens and even Single adults can have Social Opportunities and come together to help one another. Sounds Utopic, right? Of course it does! That's the point! I want a bit of heaven on Earth! And I know, because I have seen it and felt it, that it IS coming....
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